AT THE great Centres of Spending, I passed a shop selling vintage wristwatches the other day, and noticed something bizarre next to the posh old Rolexes and Pateks: a tray of Swatches, looking about the way I felt when I showed up at the Viennese Opera Ball dressed in a Johnny Cash 1971 World Tour sweatshirt by mistake.
It probably was not the worst example of taste on the floor; a few doors down you could buy an imitation trecento plaster cherub for your wall. But those cheap plastic watches looked pretty weird next to all that gold and leather. It seems a public relations agency somewhere has decided that, in a world where quartz watches are practically sold by the pound like nails, the way to keep selling a particular brand is push them as 'collectibles'.
How do you think they arrived at their strategy? Picture the brainstorming session: 'Say, why don't we get Demi Moore's grandmother to pose nude wearing only a Swatch?' 'Forget it.' 'All right, then, let's spread the rumour that Swatches were actually invented by beings from Neptune, and given to earthlings to save the race from certain destruction.' 'You've got to be kidding.' 'No, wait, I've got it! Let's call Swatches 'collectibles'. Tell people they can invest in them, the way they invest in antiques or gold. We'll have auctions, exhibitions, sales devoted to classic Swatches of the past, the whole bit.' 'Hmm. Run that Neptune idea by me one more time.' Anyway, a number of people seem to have swallowed the idea. Mass-produced quartz movements in plastic bezels are being auctioned like prize Belouch rugs, at prices tailored to the criminally insane. Next, a highly unusual piece from 1987, a particularly fine example of the company's chartreuse period. Included are the original dead battery and cardboard price tag, and a complete list of the teenagers who have owned it. The bidding starts at $1,000.
Our purveyor of telephone services has its own version of this nonsense - 'limited edition' phone cards. Apparently jealous of the Post Office's hold on stamp collectors, Hong Kong Telecom has put pictures on the back of the cards you stick into the phones at the 7-Eleven. You will find them next to old coins in the less choosy antique stores.
It reminds me of the mail I used to get from an outfit that produced 'commemorative' medallions featuring Great Farm Machinery of the World, or Flatworms of the Southwest. That's right! Each month, you'll receive another gold-plated medallion in our GreatSnack Foods of the Northern Hemisphere. These are sure to rise in value, since everyone knows that stamped, signed, registered gold-plated pieces of garbage are superb investments for your golden years.
Only dull people collect 'collectibles'. A real collector will overcome obstacles to complete his collection - remember Sydney Greenstreet in The Maltese Falcon? He hooked up with Peter Lorre, the sleaziest man ever to be filmed in black and white, just to get that jewelled bird. Can you see him going up against Humphrey Bogart for a plastic watch with a picture of Felix the Cat on it? Collections are fascinating. 'Collectibles' are loathsome. I curse whoever first used the word as a noun.
