MONDAY STAR TV general manager Gary Davey defends the satellite broadcaster's decision to replace the BBC channel with 24-hour Putonghua movies, saying: 'I for one would rather see martial arts than martial law any day, and the same goes for all of our viewers in Beijing.' In Hong Kong, STAR subscribers look up the word 'rip-off' in the dictionary. TUESDAY ANDY Lau promises to perform a fund-raising concert for the Prince of Wales Hospital. 'We need Andy's help desperately,' a doctor says. 'There just aren't enough demented, incontinent teenage girls fainting for no apparent reason. Having said that, my colleagues in the world of dentistry are delighted to hear the show is sponsored by Pepsi.' In a related development another 16 schoolgirls break their own legs in an attempt to get a telephone call from Leon Lai. WEDNESDAY PSYCHOLOGISTS attempting to explain why tycoon Albert Yeung paid $13 million for the number nine plate in the same week Chinese men around the globe were accused of being bad lovers, point out that nine, or gau, may sound like 'dog' in Cantonese but it also sounds like something quite different. It is understood Mr Yeung will be attaching the personalised plate to his E-type Jaguar with go-faster stripes. THURSDAY THE construction industry launches its own training course. Workers will be taught the arts of spitting, wolf-whistling and exposing just the correct amount of buttock over the top of their jeans. Scaffolders will additionally be instructed in basic principles such as: always carry a last will and testament, and always, always wear clean underwear. FRIDAY POINTING to an article written by his cousin, Ah-Tong, in a magazine owned by his brother, Ah-Tong, dealing with an issue raised by his uncle, Ah-Tong, in an industry fathered by his grandfather, Ah-Tong, Ah-Tong denies Hong Kong has a problem with conflicts of interest and nepotism. SATURDAY THE Urban Council comes up with a comprehensive plan of action following criticism that it overlooked the potential for noise pollution when redeveloping the Hong Kong Stadium. 'There is still scope for the occasional sound and light spectacular,' says chairman Ronald Leung Ding-bong while spitting out a dead cat. 'All we ask is that Marcel Marceau is the performer each time.'