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SCMP Reporter

HERE'S a challenge for you marketing people out there: how could you get an otherwise sane person to pay $18.67 for a walnut?   No, it's not by attaching a Joyce or Gucci label. It's by putting three in a pack and selling them as an ''Urban forestry kit'' for $56.

  This is what one of those new shops in the Peak Galleria is selling, and the packs - with the slogan ''Buy a pack, help prevent global warming'' - seem to be selling quite well.

  Incidentally, the germination rate is given as 70 per cent, so only one out of the three may come up.

  Logical next product: ''Save the Panda Kit''. Contents: a four-inch piece of bamboo, as a lifesaving snack to be given to any starving pandas you meet on the MTR. A bargain at just $78.

  Also: ''Clean the harbour kit''. Contents: 500ml of clean water, to be tipped into the harbour to dilute the mess in there already. A bargain at just $99.

  Incidentally, the same shop is selling environmentally friendly underpants for $140ish a pair, made of unbleached cotton, and proudly made in the United States.

  Of course, the most environmentally friendly thing to do would be to go without underpants completely.

  Bottom line  SCANNING the stadium during lunch at the Rugby Sevens a fan might have noticed a rather strange assembly on the upper section.

  It was a small square area which seemed staked out by Chinese students and women from the Philippines - neither of whom are well-known to be mad on rugby.

  The reason was these strange unofficial hospitality packages offered by the Hospitality Group.

  People who splashed out $6,000 per head to entertain their clients found that there was no reserved seating at the ground.

  So the Hospitality Group came up with a bright idea. They also issued tickets to a bunch of people who would work for little money, to sit in the seats if the clients wanted to go for lunch and dispose of their ingested beer, or whatever.

  Lots of people paid lots of money for these unofficial packages. Lets hope everything else went smoothly.

   Palmistry  NEVER mind 1997. What about 1995?   The parallels between Bermuda and Hong Kong get spookier by the day. Our correspondent in Bermuda managed to tear himself away from the swaying palms to talk about his temporary home, where everyone is very worried about 1995.

  That's when the United States naval base is closing and, given that it takes 10 per cent of the land area of Bermuda and employs 4,000 out of the island's 60,000 population, this is a big deal.

  It's causing all sorts of uncertainty, tremors in the property market, discussions such as ''What will you do after '95'' etc.

  The yanks also run the airport and quite a lot else, so they're having to come up with their home-grown experts in lots of areas, just like in Hong Kong.

  Further similarities: Cable and Wireless helps run the phone system, the traffic doesn't go faster than 24 kilometres an hour, and the TV is complete rubbish.

  Our man in Bermuda turned up at the Jardines office, one of the tallest buildings on the island with four storeys, and swears that the carpet with the distinctive thistle design was the same as that in the Jardines offices in London and Hong Kong.

  Maybe it was an off-cut.

   Downers  HERE'S the lowdown on the most dreadful, most appalling shares of the first quarter.

  The list supplied by Investamatic based on the weekend closing prices found 10 stocks that managed to fall by 45 per cent or more in the three months, with three being small electronics outfits and two property developers.

  Retailers whose China concept status is past its sell-by date make up the biggest group. Fairwood is down 46 per cent, Bossini is down 50 per cent, Goldlion is down 50 per cent and silk clothing outfit High Fashion down an unfashionable 53 per cent.

  But the very worst performing stock this year is Continental Holdings, a jewellery-maker which announced a huge share placement at $1.35 a share. It started the year at an equivalent of $3.55 and closed on Friday night at $1.47 - a fall of 59 per cent.

  Even shares in the expedition to Kota Kinabalu wouldn't have done that badly.

   Fine choice IF taxi drivers in Shenzhen allow passengers to ride in the front seat without a seat belt the police will stop them and fine them.

  One recently fined driver said there were two punishments: a five yuan fine plus two days standing outside a municipal building holding the Red Flag; or a 200 yuan fine with a slightly different payment channel.



Saving the ozone can burn a hole in your pocket