How to lose at golf but still manage to come out the winner

Flying to Thailand to play golf seems unnecessarily extravagant. And I wouldn't be doing it if there were a more efficient way to get some time with the chief financial officer of Phrukitt Industries. But the only invitation that I know this guy will accept is for a round of golf.

So I fly in, and drive up about two hours from Bangkok to meet him in a place called Khao Yai. I don't actually drive, of course. I sit in the back and try not to look out the windows.

Watching what is going on while hurtling down a Thai highway is a sure way to induce a heart attack or involuntary bladder activity in any sane person. The slow-moving and massively overstocked trucks drift randomly back and forth, creating a swaying obstacle course. Trying to drive through these objects at 120km/h would be an entertaining video game, but in real life it is nothing short of terrifying.

Once we have reached our destination, I unpack my golf clubs and head up to the clubhouse. I order a fresh lime soda in the open-air restaurant and stare out at the view of a lush green jungle with a great big strip of grass carved through the middle of it. My client soon arrives and we head over to the first tee. This is where my problems begin. Almost any sports psychologists will tell you that you need to have a positive attitude when striking a golf ball. The one thing you must not think about is what could go wrong.

I know this. I've discussed this with other golfers many times. And yet I just cannot think, as my club descends towards that small, white, evil little ball, of anything except how embarrassed I will be if I mistime my swing and the ball does nothing more than dribble along the ground a few metres. Which is exactly what happens.

I resist the urge to scream all of the swear words I know, avoid making eye contact with anyone and mutter about taking a penalty while I get another ball. With my next shot, I manage to hit the thing at least far enough that the caddie will have to drive us in the golf cart to get to my ball. I struggle through the next nine holes playing my normal game: on average I manage two good shots in a row, followed by a third shot that I believe I have played exactly the same as the previous two, but which turns out to be complete rubbish. At the halfway point we stop for a drink in the shade and I discover to my surprise that I am winning by a solid margin. This is not a good outcome, as losing appears to have put my client in a very bad mood.

The whole point of client entertainment is develop a rapport, to make clients feel comfortable around you and feel good about hiring you. With this guy staring forlornly into his mineral water, I am in danger of having made this trip and played this game for nothing.