Learning to deny a deeply ingrained need to say yes

Ann, a charming 28-year-old architect, prides herself on being friendly and accommodating, and has many friends. 'I always enjoy helping friends,' she says. 'Helping others makes me feel better about myself.'

But lately she feels disillusioned about some of her friendships. 'I think some of my 'friends' like me simply because I'm willing to do things for them. I'm beginning to feel they are taking advantage of me,' Ann says.

She says she devotes much of her energy, time and money to helping people. So much so that she feels burned out. Even when she recognises that some people are using her for their benefit, she still feels obliged to do what they ask.

'Frankly, I don't know how to say no to people,' she says.

Ann learned to be a peacemaker and people pleaser when she was young. She grew up watching her parents fight bitterly over money and her father's drinking habits. Her mother worked hard to support the family and was sad, bitter and depressed most of the time. According to Ann, her father was unpredictable. He was reasonably nice when he was sober, but such occasions were few and far between.

'I felt responsible for my little brother because my mother was emotionally fragile. I couldn't subject him to Mum's moods or Dad's volatility. The easiest thing was to look after my mother's needs and stay clear of my dad,' Ann says.

Ann shouldered a tremendous amount of emotional responsibility by looking after her family. She 'parented' her brother and sheltered her mother from additional demands by becoming a very responsible child. Her actions not only helped create some stability for her and her brother in the tumultuous family environment, but also gave her a sense of purpose. As an adult, her sense of duty and obligation pervaded her personal and work life.