How to ask someone’s pronouns without outing or offending them

Wondering whether a new acquaintance goes by he, she, they or ze, but unsure how to ask? Here are some tips the queer community on how best to ask someone their pronouns without outing them if they’re figuring it out themselves.

Aaryanna Gariss, an average Chicago queer

We need to change the narrative that asking for someone’s pronouns is awkward. Stating pronouns needs to become normalised. When we are at a point in a conversation and you introduce yourself with your name, it should be the next thing that comes out of your mouth. Cisgendered people, in particular, need to get used to using and owning their pronouns, so that queer people don’t have to feel pressure and outed.

People tend to only ask about pronouns when someone is visibly androgynous. Which is troublesome because androgyny is rooted in problematic conventions, such as white and thin people in differently gendered clothing with a buzzed head.

Maybe I want to find a way to assert my gender in a space. But if you don’t start that conversation, I am probably not going to. If we don’t normalise pronouns at the beginning of interactions, handling a misgendering becomes awkward and puts emotional labour on the non-cisgendered person later.

The best way to ask for someone’s pronouns is to walk up and introduce yourself. Here’s an example, “Hey, my name is Hannah, and my pronouns are she/her/hers. What are your pronouns?”

Asking people for their pronouns should ideally happen in small group situations. If people don’t want to disclose their pronouns, respect their wishes and do not push for them to give a response. You do not have the right to someone’s pronouns if the person is not comfortable discussing them with you.

If introductions are happening in large group setting, the organisation should make sure cisgendered members also state their pronouns.