Do what comes naturally to help your child find inner drive
Shimi Kang says intrinsic motivators that promote well-being, such as play and bonding, are vital
Self-motivation is the holy grail of parenting. When you have successfully cultivated your child's inner drive, you can sit back knowing that you've given him or her the one thing they will need to thrive in our fast-changing society. You've also provided them with the key to happiness; when we are truly self-motivated, we are driven to seek out the connections that bring us joy and solve problems standing in our way.
Unfortunately, many parents today are sabotaging their children's inner drive. Indeed, despite being the most educated group of parents to walk the earth, our children stand a higher chance than ever of developing anxiety, depression, obesity, diabetes and addiction.
I come face to face with families from all ethnic groups and social classes, and I've seen the results of every parenting style in the parental animal kingdom. I've also delved deeply into the science of motivation, exploring how our biology naturally motivates us towards health, happiness and success - if we allow it. From this and my personal experience as a mother of three, it's clear we need a new, more effective parenting model.
Two prevalent parenting models today are the Tiger parent and the Jellyfish parent, and both do little to promote a child's self-motivation.
First, the Tiger parent. Whether it is the Amy Chua-like parent pushing piano lessons, the Helicopter parent hovering over homework, or the Snow Plough parent shoving all the obstacles out of the way - all of these "take over" styles promote an environment of external control and thereby diminish a child's sense of internal control.
Children of authoritarian parents often become externally driven by praise, fear or rewards and thus fail to develop self-motivation. Even though these children may sometimes appear more "successful", without a solid sense of internal control and self-motivation, their problem-solving skills and ability to think creatively suffers.
Second, the Jellyfish parent. These parents have few rules and expectations and "give in" to avoid confrontation. Children of Jellyfish parents lack guidance, fail to develop vital impulse control and often channel self-motivation in the wrong direction, leading to unhealthy risk-taking behaviour. They also have poorer social and academic performance.