This is my first meditation session and I come partly hopeful but mostly cynical. I’ve never been good at being still (the radiation crew can attest to this, as can my school teachers), and by nature I am one of those “glass half empty” people who tend to focus on the yin rather than the yang.
So I give this a shot. There is a landscape of meditation newbies sitting cross-legged on pillows. I am sitting in the folding chair on the sidelines, sitting as still as a sphinx (or at least I think I am). We are doing a “body scan”, which means you are supposed to focus on each part of your body, how that part feels at the present moment. I’m okay until I get to the ears, and that’s when my mind shifts from present to future. In less than a week I will make a bi-continental move and return to the US to pursue my PhD studies. I turn 38 (gasp) in December, dream of having my own family, but there’s no signs of marriage in sight. I am 38 and returning to student life, what if I am too old to study? I start to fidget and the friend notices. “Just sit with your thoughts,” she whispers, so I do.
I hate this monkey mind. It’s churning with greater speed now that I am on the road to recovery. Ever since completing treatment, I’ve lived two lives.
At the forefront is also the reality of living with uncertainty, the acceptance there are no guarantees in life whether it be work, relationships, friendships, and along with that the challenge of learning to live in the present
At the forefront: I’ve returned to work, the colleagues now seeing my tanned self and rosy cheeks have stopped asking me how things are. I’ve returned packing suitcases and boxes for the bi-continental move. I threw a successful farewell-for-now party, after the first one was cancelled due to surgery. There is an ever-growing checklist of To Do’s related to the near future.