A reality check for women who want it all
Amy Wu says yet another study of how women are balancing family life with a career shows that the notion of 'having it all' just isn't realistic
A woman cannot have it all - but she can if she marries the right guy. That is according to an ongoing study of 25,000 Harvard Business School alumni which found children don't ruin a woman's career, but the men they marry most certainly can.
A large number of men expected their partners to take primary responsibility for childcare, the survey found. A few years ago, I would have cold-shouldered the study; the argument would have sounded stale. Women today have achieved everything from going into space to leading Fortune 500 companies. Why would her professional success be tied to a man?
Admittedly, I always thought I'd have it all. I had the freedom to pursue my dreams, namely a great career and a great man.
For the first 37 years of my life, I flew solo. I've had the luxury of working consistently, travelling with girlfriends on a whim, and, starting last year, pursuing a PhD, news of which was greeted with congratulations by my colleagues in Hong Kong, who said: "And now you'll definitely be single for the rest of your life." I don't think they were kidding.
At 38, I felt like I did have it all: the freedom to pursue education and, even better, I'd found a guy who was happy to marry me as I was pursuing my intellectual dreams. We could lead our separate lives, me pursuing my doctorate and him doing his job on the other coast. "I have very few expectations," he said at the time. "I'm not looking for a housewife."
But as I inched towards my 39th birthday, something increasingly gnawed at me. There was the rocky reality of a long-distance marriage, and I looked longingly at my compatriots who had well-manicured lawns, cute kids and well-groomed husbands. Some had awesome jobs, too.
"You watch too many Hollywood movies; you don't know what their lives are really like," my aunt in Hong Kong scolded me.
At 39, my dreams expanded to the pursuit of starting a family. A good friend, who had a baby at 40 with some help, reminded me that "a woman's period of fertility is shorter than our capacity for professional activity".
As a result, I've now concluded that a woman can't have it all, and it's not her husband who ruins it, but the decisions she makes along the way. The epiphany hit me recently as my programme director reminded me that achieving my PhD dream would mean continuing a long-distance marriage for another year or so. By then, my biological clock would be winding down. My somewhat exasperated husband tells me to make a decision: give up the programme if I want a family that much.
There is some truth in the Harvard study. A colleague around my age had to move her professional pursuits to the sidelines after her husband's business trips became more frequent and she was left caring for their two young children.
There are no regrets, I told myself, only the acceptance of this reality check. Recently, a younger colleague looked at my wedding ring longingly. "You've already made it," she said, as she continues to search for love and to climb the career ladder. "You're right," I said. Something is better than nothing.
