In counselling, especially when dealing with destructive behaviour, we balance the need to accept the person and the desire to change the behaviour. Efforts to convince or condemn someone in the midst of hurting himself often backfire – the person loses trust in you and runs away from help. When we are
overwhelmed with emotions, reason alone is often insufficient or even counterproductive. Rather, we must first feel understood and our needs acknowledged. Empathy is shown – and cultivated – by exploring and acknowledging the person’s emotional pain. When we feel heard, we are more receptive to reason and change.
Hong Kong is now a self-destructive patient. While it is important not to reinforce
problematic behaviour,
condemnation and accusation – no matter how warranted –
would backfire. We have seen this too many times in the past two months; the outcry only gets louder and defiance more extreme. Justice is paramount but the timing of exercising justice is also important. Now is the time to stop the bleeding. We do so by listening and acknowledging the underlying pain, regardless of whether we agree with what is demanded or condone the means taken.
To listen – and to want to be heard – is simply human and the prerequisite to true transformation. We need to first empathise before trying to right what might be wrong.
Christian Chan, department of psychology, University of Hong Kong
While Carrie Lam procrastinates, Hong Kong parents worry
At her
news conference on August 5, we expected Chief Executive Carrie Lam Cheng Yuet-ngor to resign or to withdraw the extradition bill to cool the violence that has gripped this beautiful city. But instead, like a news anchor, she told us Hong Kong is no longer safe. That news has been reported all over the world for over a month. We were looking for a solution that would prevent the escalation of violence.
Corporations,
entrepreneurs and working-class people are suffering monetary losses and Hong Kong is losing its credibility. People’s livelihoods are at stake. Lam need not worry because her pay, which is greater than that of the US president, is safe and sound. She can avoid the violence by staying indoors and invite her children to enjoy their holidays in Hong Kong.
Other parents are worried as their children are trapped in the vicious cycle of protests initiated by disputes over the
choice of terms – “suspend” and “dead” over “withdrawal” of the extradition bill. They live in perpetual fear that their children will get into trouble. Lam does not want to cave in and accept the word “withdraw” although she admits the bill is dead.
Our children are innocent. They suspect Lam has an ulterior motive for not using the word “withdraw”. That has lead to escalating violence and more demands, making negotiations difficult, while Lam continues to procrastinate.
This problem is of her making, so she must solve it. All her ministers and the leading think tanks in Hong Kong are at her disposal but she does not seem to be taking their advice.
She was successful in allowing
mainland immigration officers to be stationed at the West Kowloon high-speed rail terminus. Now she wants to clear the way for the
People’s Liberation Army to help her to curb the violence and puncture the “one country, two systems” principle.
This saga reminds me of the following poem:
For want of a nail, the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe, the horse was lost.
For want of a horse, the rider was lost.
For want of a rider, the battle was lost.
For want of a battle, the kingdom was lost,
And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.
Nalini Daswani, Tsim Sha Tsui
