Why parents should tear up their rules and let kids figure out how to achieve goals

As a mother of two, I have read all the books about discipline, but realised they are all forms of one idea: the control and management of children.

It’s oxymoronic: we also say we want to raise children who will become autonomous, courageous, compassionate and deep thinkers when they become adults. Citizens of a democracy. Leaders of the world. Yet our discipline, at home and school, still reflects the Industrial Revolution: control through rewards and punishments, where sitting still and simply doing what you are told might reap benefits.

Though it may look like impeccable behaviour and good discipline, teaching children to have their hands folded in their lap and to be yes people is dangerous.

We are in the 21st century, an era of new culture wars: innovation, terrorism, fundamentalism, the rise of the creative class, climate change, increasing inequality, global citizenship and disruption in higher education. Carrot-and-stick discipline doesn’t teach children how to think, engage or interact with these big questions or become morally sophisticated people. To raise adults who will negotiate these issues we need a new mindset. I’m reading Alfie Kohn’s book Beyond Discipline.

Kohn is author of The Homework Myth: Why Our Kids Get Too Much of a Bad Thing, and most recently The Myth of the Spoiled Child: Challenging the Conventional Wisdom About Children and Parenting.

He is an advocate for community andwrites that we have to trust each other in our homes, wrestle with what it means to live and learn together, deal with conflict and practise the skills of conflict resolution. He argues that ultimately these experiences are “more meaningful than a list of rules
or guidelines”.

I agree with him. My rules – put your laundry in the basket, for instance – were only ever met with temporary compliance anyway. I’ve exchanged rules for more time-consuming, open-ended, nuanced, thoughtful conversations about how we want (if we want, and why) to keep our clothes clean. I’ve “brought the kids in”, as Kohn suggests.