Why Hong Kong parents should not feel guilty about saying no

China’s one-child policy spawned generations of “Little Emperors”, indulged by two parents and four grandparents. Now, “Precious Snowflakes”, today’s pampered offspring, born into privilege and political correctness, have succeeded them. Well-connected with their iPhones, well-heeled in their designer trainers, they are spoiled.

Richard Watts, a US-based lawyer who counsels the rich and famous and who, earlier this year, published Entitlemania: How Not to Spoil Your Kids, and What to Do if You Have, firmly believes we should say “no” to our kids much earlier and a lot more often.

I am relieved to hear this. I am not good at many things, but I am quite good at saying “no”, partly because my own parents said “no” to me quite often, partly because I don’t have the money to say “yes” often enough, and partly because I know that hearing “no” doesn’t often kill (I’m still here, after all).

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But recently it worried me that I was better at saying “no” than “yes”; a friend, a richer, glossier, kinder friend, suggested that my saying “no” wasn’t good for my kids and that I ought to say “yes” to them more often (as in: yes, you can have X, Y, Z). She confided that even when money was tight, it remained imperative her children still got what they wanted, and what their friends had. I, however, in case there’s any doubt, am of the school of parenting that says if you can’t afford it, you – or by association, your kids – can’t have it. The maths is easy: it either adds up, or it doesn’t.

When I generously shared my parenting philosophies with her, she admonished me: “Why do you make your children suffer for your failings?” (my “failing” being my lack of disposable income). “Children must have the things they need and want. That’s your job as parent: to make sure they get them”.

Need and want? Need or want? This is a big part of the problem, says Watts. “There’s huge disparity between need and want: I need a new phone, I want the new iPhone 7,” he says. Spot the difference?

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The richest person in the world, says Watts, “does not have the most. They need the least”. This may sound trite, but think about it. Children need to understand the distinction. I can’t have whatever I want, and I work. Why on earth should my kids? And besides, turning a need into a want on their own provides children with an excellent exercise in incentivising, in identifying passions, in focusing the attention.