As final exams loom, some children become so fearful they freeze up. They are trapped in the vicious cycle of the three Ps: perfectionism, procrastination and paralysis.
In the past few weeks, I've been busier than ever helping tweens and teens to break this cycle and helping parents realise that their children's procrastination may be due not to laziness but to expectation for everything to be beyond excellent.
The causes of perfectionism are still not clear. Many believe its roots lie in a sense of inferiority, that perfectionists feel they are not good enough and fear being judged and or ridiculed. For others, their sense of self relies heavily on praise and accomplishment.
Because they can't bear the possibility of failing to meet their unrealistic expectations, some children see giving up as a form of control. The idea is "if I don't try, I can't fail". The underlying message is that no one can judge the real me if I pretend I don't care.
If your child seems distant, sad, hostile or clingy when trying something new or not doing well, that might be an indication your child is a perfectionist.
In his 2002 book Moving Past Perfect, US family therapist Thomas Greenspon writes: "People who procrastinate to avoid imperfection are fearful and anxious rather than lacking motivation. Although a parent may interpret a child's procrastination at homework as laziness or even defiance, the perfectionist child is actually hesitating for fear of getting a less than perfect grade."