Luisa Tam
SCMP Columnist
The Naked Truth
by Luisa Tam
The Naked Truth
by Luisa Tam

Stale ‘marriage sex’ can be improved through tantric sex – tap into your ultimate sensual power, says intimacy coach

  • Tantra could turn things round if the spark has left your love life after so many years together
  • It’s a philosophy that allows you to reconnect with your partner, increase intimacy and expand your consciousness

You and your partner have been together for a few years and, whether you care to admit it, the sex has become routine or even mechanical. Sometimes you feel so bored with your sex life that you wouldn’t mind abstaining from it altogether.

When couples have been together for a while, it’s hard to stop the deep and primal desire for each other from slipping away because you don’t feel as turned on as you used to when you were dating. The reality is that you have become too relaxed and set in your routines or maybe too distracted or stressed by unending daily responsibilities.

Welcome to “married sex”; it’s official that your sex life has gone stale. Don’t panic, though, you don’t need to call time of death on your sex life just yet.

Like ageing, it’s inevitable that our sex life suffers wear and tear over time unless we take steps to slow down its “ageing” process. If you do something about it, you can still have good sex at any age.

There is no need to settle for lacklustre sex in a relationship. Photo: Shutterstock
Even though sex may not be like it was when you were in your 20s, you can still find what works best for you and your partner. You can still make the experience hot and exciting and certainly don’t need to settle for lacklustre sex.

To begin with, you can take control by shifting your focus back to you and your partner and rebuild a deep connection with them, says Nathalie Sommer, a certified relationship and intimacy coach, who offers tips on how to get your sex life back on track.

Nathalie Sommer is a relationship and intimacy coach.

One unconventional approach is through tantra or tantric sex. But what is tantra?

“Although the word ‘tantra’ has many meanings, the most significant definition remains; it is an instrument to expand the level of consciousness. The Sanskrit root verb ‘tan’ literally means ‘to expand’. The philosophical and practical system of tantra can be summed up as ‘nothing exists that isn’t divine’. This is the quintessence of tantric philosophy.”

Sommer points out that there are different tantric paths that you can go down, all of which are valuable for the understanding of ourselves, others, and the world we live in.

Tantra is not all about sex, it’s more about connecting and expression. Photo: Shutterstock

Tantra offers simple but useful communication techniques that you can practise and use immediately in your daily lives and it can become more of a new way of relating with intention, care and passion. This means we can all bring tantric aspects into our lives.

On an emotional level, tantra can be a bit overwhelming at first, Sommer says.

“Tantra is neither a path of suppression nor is it indulgence; it’s directly in the middle. It’s all about polarity and a way to reclaim our power and experience love, joy, and bliss in all parts of our lives. It promotes living with mindfulness, awareness, and growing into a higher state of consciousness.”

Tantric sexuality can open a gateway to absolutely fascinating intimate and sexual experiences for everyone, whether you just met someone, or you’ve been married to someone for 30 years
Nathalie Sommer, relationship and intimacy coach

“In a nutshell, it’s about the way we love, parent, work, and live our lives. The basic concept is that by getting inside one’s own subjective being with a witnessing consciousness, all aspects of the body, mind and emotions are revealed,” she explains.

On a sexual level, she says that a big misconception around tantra in Western society is that it is all about sex because tantra doesn’t suppress any parts of ourselves; we are allowed to explore and express ourselves in all parts of life including sex.

“Tantric sexuality can open a gateway to absolutely fascinating intimate and sexual experiences for everyone, whether you just met someone, or you’ve been married to someone for 30 years.”

It is important to have a stronger, deeper and more intimate connection with ourselves and our partners. Photo: Shutterstock

“So many people feel that they haven’t fully tapped into their ultimate sexual and sensual power. When you are able to tap into this power, it can start opening gateways of sexual experiences that show you what you’re really made of. And this is so incredibly valuable in all areas of your life,” she points out.

As an effective way to improve sex and intimacy, she says tantra gives us powerful communication tools and shows us the importance of having a stronger, deeper and more intimate connection with ourselves and our partners, but it doesn’t mean turning it into a sex marathon.

Consequently, it can translate into longer, more meaningful sex and mind-blowing multiple and full body orgasms because it teaches you deeper intimacy through an emotional connection.

This is achieved by tapping into your sexual energy; by learning how to be in tune with your body, mind, and emotions, and how to embrace your sensual being, she says.

Eye contact can be a powerful boost to your lovemaking. Photo: Shutterstock

Five tantric techniques for a sexual boost

Make eye contact

Holding eye contact during foreplay and sex can be quite powerful. Just imagine how hot it can feel whilst having sex and things get steamy, and in the middle of it all, you pause, stay still and look deeply into each other’s eyes and truly “feel” the other person. It will help you to connect to your own feelings and sensations and to those of your partner in a powerful and profound way.

Breathe together

You can inhale and exhale together to the speed of your lovemaking. Going faster and slower, and mixing up the rhythm can lead to a trancelike state. You can also create greater orgasmic sensations by using your breath and pulling up the pleasure sensations pounding through your body and let them flow around your body and over to your partner.

Touching your partner leads to arousal and makes the body produce dopamine and oxytocin. Photo: Shutterstock

Conscious touch

Whether it’s a tantric massage or feather light touch on non-erogenous zones or erogenous zones of your body, it will open your body to anticipation and can create a deep sense of arousal. It also creates dopamine and oxytocin, so it’s a great way to form a deeper sensual connection.


Bring yourself to the point of an orgasm, so you peak, peak and peak, but you don’t go over the peak. Just before you orgasm, slow down and then start again. By delaying an orgasm, you can intensify your experience and help achieve an energetic full body orgasm without ejaculation, or a clitoral or vaginal orgasm.

Yab Yum practice

This is a traditional tantric position. One person sits cross-legged on the floor/bed, and the other climbs on top and wraps their legs around the other person’s body. This position is to help align energies for a powerful tantric love connection. You also look into each other’s eyes and breathe in unison to help create an intimate connection. You can also incorporate some sensual touch into this routine.

Luisa Tam is a correspondent at the Post