Is your partner having an emotional affair? Cheating without sex – how to spot it and ways to avoid it
- An emotional affair is distinguished by a breach of a romantic relationship without physical intimacy that leaves your partner feeling hurt and betrayed
- The good news is emotional infidelity can be prevented if both parties address the issues that can lead to it early on
There are people who believe being too friendly with acquaintances or even strangers is a form of infidelity. Some think being too close to a friend or looking at pornography is no different from cheating on a partner.
We all have different views as to what constitutes unfaithfulness in a relationship, including how we look at types of non-physical behaviour.
As we become more intertwined with the online world, we are more likely to come into contact with strangers who may become our new friends. And sometimes this type of friendliness might move offline into a real-life connection.
Virtual relationships are becoming popular because the internet is an easy place to forge new connections. But when an interaction with another person involves emotions of a romantic or sexual nature, it’s still considered an affair by many.
When you are deflecting the real issue in your relationship and moving towards a third party, sometimes you can miss the early signs of emotional cheating like constantly texting someone else
It’s the same with other non-physical actions such as constantly thinking about another person. Things like these are a threat to your relationship in real life.
Therefore, the question about infidelity has become more relevant than ever as emotional affairs are becoming increasingly common. It’s important for couples to draw clear boundaries before getting into a committed relationship.
First and foremost, we need to understand why people cheat in the first place. “People generally resort to cheating when their physical and/or emotional needs are not met,” says clinical hypnotherapist, life coach, and relationship and wellness coach Sonia Samtani. “Cheating doesn’t actually solve this problem, it only adds another element and serves as a distraction from the real issue.
“In therapeutic language, we call this ‘triangulation’: adding an external element to a dynamic that’s actually supposed to have two points.”
According to Samtani, there are two reasons why people cheat. First, it’s when one feels they are not accepted or recognised by their partner, so they seek acknowledgement elsewhere. Second, they are not sexually attracted to their partner, so they end up getting their physical needs met somewhere else.
“You could appreciate that your partner is a great parent or a great companion, but you just don’t feel sexually attracted to them.”
Everyone defines cheating differently, but there are some fundamentals that cannot be breached, Samtani stresses. “Cheating occurs when there is a violation of trust. You’ve strayed from the promises that you have made to your partner either by deceit or neglect.”
In today’s world, there are so many different types of relationships, we cannot use one generic list of behaviours to define cheating any more.
Samtani warns that issues can escalate when both parties have contradictory notions of what cheating is, such as when one person thinks that emotional intimacy is cheating, while the other thinks it’s OK to be emotionally close to anyone as long as there is no physical intimacy.
“Both physical and emotional intimacy outside the relationship can be defined as cheating and you need to establish boundaries because problems can occur when there is a lack of clarity.”
Samtani points out some of the common misunderstandings.
“Questions asked in my counselling sessions include: is kissing OK, as long as it’s a quick peck to a ‘friend’? Is it OK to watch pornography? Does no physical mean no sex, and everything else is OK? What about placing your hand on another person’s thigh, who also happens to be a close friend? Is it OK to have long conversations to share deep secrets with another person?
“If you don’t have common answers to these questions as a couple, then you need to clear this up,” she warns.
As unromantic as it sounds, you need to define what your boundaries are before committing to someone.
“When you are deflecting the real issue in your relationship and moving towards a third party, sometimes you can miss the early signs of emotional cheating like constantly texting someone else, or sharing your greatest pains and joys with them,” Samtani says.
She further points out that there is a thin line between an emotional affair and a close friendship. “Energetically there is a magnetic attraction of opposites when something becomes romantic versus something that’s truly platonic,” she explains.
How to deal with cheating and betrayal and get over the sex issue
“If you are honest with yourself, you will know if you feel this pull. A great way to check-in is to ask yourself if your partner would be comfortable with this behaviour.”
Samtani advises on how to reach a mutual understanding when two parties have different limits. “The best way is not to focus on the behaviour but on the reason why your partner considers it cheating.”
The good news is you can definitely prevent cheating if both parties are willing to address the issues that can potentially lead to it.
“Cheating is a symptom of the problem, and not the cause. To prevent cheating, you really need to address what is not working in your relationship,” Samtani says.
Seeking support from a couple’s counsellor can also be extremely helpful if you are too emotionally triggered to address issues yourselves.
“If you feel tempted to sneak away to get your needs met or hide what you are doing from your partner, these are big warning signs to address what’s missing before it escalates,” Samtani says.
Different forms of emotional cheating
• Texting someone late at night
• Feeling the “need” to be in constant communication with another person
• Being emotionally dependent on another person
• Telling another person that your partner “doesn’t understand you” the way they do
• Not wanting to admit how often you think about another person
• Talking about your sexual needs to someone else and becoming interested in their intimate life
• Basically, anything you are doing with another person that involves deceit or withholding information from your partner
Luisa Tam is a correspondent at the Post
