11 relationship deal-breakers, from birth control lies to too much porn to phone snooping

Forgive and forget? You cannot really forget when someone has wronged you, but you can forgive them, right? Not always.

This was the upshot of a recent representative survey of 6,328 people in Germany aged 18-69 commissioned by the dating website ElitePartner. It showed that trust is fundamental to a couple’s relationship, and deliberate deception is the biggest relationship killer.

Here is a list of what the survey found to be “deadly sins” in a relationship:

• A total of 78 per cent of survey respondents – 85 per cent of women, 70 per cent of men – said making false and damaging statements about your partner was unforgivable.

• A total of 77 per cent of respondents said they would not forgive secretly taking or discontinuing contraceptive pills, or not revealing that you have been sterilised, as it involves life decisions central to a relationship that should not be made unilaterally.

• Money is another sensitive topic for couples. A total of 69 per cent of respondents regard a partner’s changing their will without saying so to be beyond the pale. Losing large sums of money in risky stock market transactions or by gambling is seen by 67 per cent as a breach of trust.

• Taking money from your partner’s wallet or purse without asking is a no go for 53 per cent, but if your partner is much wealthier than they let on to be, it is unforgivable for only 38 per cent.

• Keeping children from a previous relationship secret is grounds for a break-up in the opinion of 66 per cent of respondents. Flirting with someone from the couple’s circle of friends is unforgivable for 55 per cent.

• Nearly one in four survey respondents admit to having surreptitiously looked at information on their partner’s smartphone. Nevertheless, 49 per cent of respondents view it as a massive breach of faith.

• The same percentage of respondents would not forgive their partner for withholding a medical diagnosis from them.

• Minor violations of the law, such as tax trickery, are unforgivable for 48 per cent.

• Frequent pornography consumption is also potentially perilous to a relationship: 35 per cent of respondents would not stand for it, 48 per cent of women and 22 per cent of men. Commonly faking sexual desire or orgasms is a no-no for 34 per cent.

• What about getting a dog or cat without prior agreement? For 35 per cent, it is a clear breach of the implicit rules of a relationship.

• Suddenly taking up a risky or time-consuming hobby can be, for 34 per cent of respondents, a bridge too far.

“Someone’s behaviour is often felt to be seriously offensive if it fundamentally disregards our personal values, we see it as directly targeted at us and deeply shakes our sense of self-worth,” says psychologist Lisa Fischbach, who advises individuals and couples, and heads ElitePartner’s department of research and matchmaking.

“The closer our relationship is to the person who has done us wrong, the more deeply we’re emotionally wounded,” she says. “The misconduct usually does irreparable damage to our trust.”

However, even if it seems impossible at first, forgiving is an important process in regaining your inner peace, Fischbach adds, “because it’s not about accepting the wrong or absolving the wrongdoer of responsibility, but about letting go of your anger and thoughts of revenge”.