Business Insider

Shave off your goatee, do it today

An absolute no-no, the goatee is, according to this writer, misplaced in this time and century

PUBLISHED : Thursday, 02 March, 2017, 3:09pm
UPDATED : Thursday, 02 March, 2017, 4:38pm

Facial hair in all its forms — beards, moustaches etc — have been coming back with a vengeance for years now, but it’s about time we address one form of this trend that is an absolute no-no. The goatee.

If you have one, shave it off. Do it today.

Your goatee says, “I just time-travelled here from an Orlando sales conference sometime in 1991 and I’m here to party to the sweet sounds of Kid Rock and Creed in my sleeveless T-shirt and cargo shorts.”

Maybe that’s not what you see when you look in the mirror, but that’s what your goatee is saying. Trust us.

You don’t have to take our word for it. We talked to stylist Jessica Cadmus, founder of the Wardrobe Whisperer, a firm that specialises in dressing professionals, especially on Wall Street.

“The topic of ‘grooming’ comes up quite frequently with my male clients,” Cadmus told Business Insider. “I’m often asked about facial hair and what’s acceptable. I’ve given dispensations for beards and beard/moustache combos [industry dependent, of course] but when it comes to goatees my boilerplate reads like this: if you are not Idris Elba or Brad Pitt, do not attempt it.”

Emphasis ours.

The goatee is a vestige of the ’90s that won’t seem to loosen its death grip on men around the country. And while we understand that a lot of ’90s fashion is back, its facial hair did not come along with it.

“In fact, in the past few decades it has  developed many negative connotations,” Cadmus said. “When it comes to finance specifically, working at a big bank is like playing ball for the Yanks. You should be clean shaven. It’s part of the culture — especially if you are client facing. Back office dudes and those who work for hedge funds have more latitude but I, for one, would not feel warm and fuzzy entrusting great sums of money to someone who erred in judgment so egregiously that he felt a goatee was a good move.”

Well put, Jessica.

Now to review: 

This is what you wish you looked like with a goatee.

This is what you actually look like.

Again, this is what you think you look like.

This is what you actually look like, though.

And no, it doesn’t look any better in Wall Street fiction.

This is an opinion column. The thoughts expressed are those of the author.