Why being empathetic is good, and how the wrong kind of empathy can actually hurt your health
Empathy is the shared joy you feel at someone’s success, or the pain at their suffering. Research has shown it’s better to feel compassionate empathy rather than emotional empathy, which can cause negative physical effects
Your husband has just been passed over for a promotion, and he’s depressed. Your friend’s breast cancer has returned. As a supportive spouse and friend, you feel their pain. Growing research suggests there’s a price to pay for all that caring.
Empathy – the ability to tune into and share another person’s emotion from their perspective – plays a crucial role in bringing people together. It’s the joy you feel at a friend’s wedding or the pain you experience when you see someone suffering.
It’s an essential ingredient for building intimacy in relationships, says Robin Stern, associate director of the Yale Centre for Emotional Intelligence. “When someone feels they are seen and heard by you,” she says, “they begin to trust you.”
But this seemly positive emotion can also have a downside, particularly if someone gets so consumed by another’s feelings that they neglect their own feelings and needs. Stern says those who regularly prioritise others’ emotions over their own are more susceptible to experiencing anxiety or low-level depression.
Focus on Hong Kong students’ mental health – call for more awareness and assistance
“When we think of empathy fatigue, we usually think about those in caring professions – such as nurses, doctors, social workers – but all of us are often in the role of helpers or caretakers, whether it’s caring for a sick parent, a child or a friend during a difficult time,” says Jamil Zaki, an assistant professor of psychology at Stanford University. “Being supportive of those we care about is among our most cherished and important roles,” Zaki says, “but it’s also one that’s fraught: we want to be there for someone, but not lose ourselves.”
But it wasn’t all good news. The more empathetic the parent, the researchers found, the more likely that person would experience chronic low-grade inflammation. The researchers speculate, “Parents who readily engage with the struggles and perspectives of others may leave themselves vulnerable to additional burdens, expending physiological resources to better help others.”
For young Hongkongers battling mental health issues, support exists but hurdles remain
Is there a healthier way to empathise?
Psychologists describe empathy in three ways: you can think it, feel it or be moved by it, Zaki says.
With cognitive empathy, you understand what someone else is thinking and feeling, as when you relate to a character in a novel or take someone’s perspective during a business negotiation.
With emotional empathy, you actually put yourself in someone else’s shoes and feel their emotion. This is the type of response that, left unchecked, can lead to caretaker burnout, says Zaki.
The perspective we take when responding to someone else’s suffering can affect our own health and well-being. In an upcoming study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, researchers assigned more than 200 college students to act as a helper to what they were told was a fellow student going through personal crisis. Each participant was asked to read a personal essay detailing the supposed student’s financial struggles and stress upon becoming the primary carer for a younger sibling after the death of their mother.
Divided Hong Kong society becomes more prominent cause of mental health problems, survey finds
While reading the text, a third of the volunteers were asked to think about how that person must be feeling (compassionate empathy) and a third were asked to imagine how they would feel if they were that person (emotional empathy). A control group was asked to stay detached and remain objective.
Researchers then measured the participants for various physiological markers, including hormone stress levels, heart rate and blood pressure. They found that those who put themselves in the other person’s shoes had significantly higher “fight-or-flight” responses, as though they, too, were going through a stressful experience.
But the researchers also discovered that those who were asked to react to the essay with compassion – who thought about how the other person might be feeling, but didn’t share the emotion – had a positive, invigorating arousal response, as if they were confronting a challenge that was achievable or offering advice that might help improve the student’s situation.
“People assume that any kind of empathy is associated with positive health benefits and behaviours, but for the first time we have physical evidence that not all empathy is alike, that its positive or negative effects depend on the perspective you take,” Buffone says.
Expressive art therapy helps bring out buried feelings - and in Asia it’s growing
While it’s possible to feel all three types of empathy at once, emotional empathy is often the gateway to feeling compassion, Davidson says. This doesn’t mean there can’t be a mix of emotions, he says, but feeling another person’s pain and suffering is often a prerequisite to feeling compassion.
Psychologists say that we can learn to regulate our empathy, as we do other emotions, and even transform excessive emotional empathy into less stressful compassion. “You want to ‘feel’ with another person, but you don’t need to stay there,” Stern says.
“Start by envisioning someone you know who may be in pain or may have gone through a stressful event,” he says, “and then envision them being relieved of that suffering.” He says it may be helpful to repeat a phrase silently in your mind, such as may you be happy and be free of suffering.
“Encouraging the focus on the person’s well-being and happiness, instead of their distress, actually shifts our brain’s pathways from experiencing painful empathy to the more rewarding areas of compassion,” Davidson says. “It’s this process that helps us to detach from their suffering.”
“Research shows that these simple exercises actually affect your actions in the real world, making you more likely to be prosocial and helpful,” he says.
Transforming initial emotional empathy into compassion doesn’t mean you care less about the person, Davidson says. After all, “mirroring the emotional state of another person who is suffering is not all that helpful – what kind of assistance can you provide if you’re now suffering, too?”
He adds: “For the most part, people don’t actually want you to feel their pain. What they want is your help and compassion.”
The Washington Post