How to break bad news: experts’ tips on softening the blow the best way

I learned of my father’s death over the phone. I was 19 and at work in my first job. “I have bad news. Your dad’s had a car accident.”

“Oh my god! Is he OK?” I asked. It never occurred to me, in that split second, that he might not be. A slight, embarrassed pause: “No. He’s dead.”

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That, says Alan Manning, was not the right way to deliver the message. The buffer to bad news was too protracted: it suggested a positive outcome. Hope.

Manning, a linguistics professor from Brigham Young University in Utah, collaborated on a study with the University of South Alabama’s Nicole Amare, who specialises in professional communication. Between them, they concluded that when receiving bad news, most people prefer a direct, rip-the-Band-Aid-off approach: no preamble, no sidestepping the real issue, no pretence at politeness. These just heighten anxiety.

Manning said: “Our research findings indicate that different kinds of bad news need different levels of shock-tempering. Many kinds need no buffer at all: if your house is on fire, or an enemy is attacking, people want that information immediately. But in the case of bad news about the loss of a loved one, our study shows that a very short buffer is necessary.

“A very long buffer is usually counterproductive, such as a long discussion of the events leading up to a loved one’s death, for example. The listener in this case probably senses that bad news is coming and anxiety builds in anticipation of it, if the preparatory message is too long. Therefore, a short preparatory sentence is needed, but not a very long prologue.”