Can sex therapy help me? How it benefits couples, plus 6 expert tips on making love better

You might assume that people who seek a sex therapist’s support are in relationships that are on the rocks. It is usually the opposite, says Mary Foxworth in Hong Kong, who describes herself as an “inclusive intimacy educator”. “Even if couples feel they are coming to me because they are unhappy with the quality of their intimacy,” she says, “I always reinforce the message that the fact they are showing up is a really positive sign of their commitment and desire for personal and relationship growth.” Dr Kristin Zeising, a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist in Hong Kong with 20 years of experience, agrees. Zeising chose her speciality when she realised “so many people carry silent pain and shame around sex – and no one talks about it at dinner parties”. “Some couples come in disconnected and stuck in painful patterns, but other couples are quite strong; they communicate well, parent well, support each other – except when it comes to sex.” For them, she says, “the bedroom is the one place that feels off-limits, confusing or unsatisfying”. Sex becomes the one symptom they cannot ignore because everything else is ticking along quite well. She prefers not to label relationships “good” or “bad”, as “they’re usually a mix of both”. What matters is that both partners are “willing to look at what’s not working, and get curious instead of stuck in blame”. I see this as part of the couple’s dynamic: one leads the charge, the other pulls back Kristin Zeising, clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist Part of the reason that Foxworth loves what she does is because she gets to meet a variety of people with different wants and needs, “from young neurodivergent adolescents and adults seeking dating, intimacy and relationship guidance, to menopausal women seeking a greater understanding of their sexual health”. Both therapists’ clients vary hugely, ranging from young to old and from single to married or otherwise coupled up. Often both parties are parents and professionals, Zeising says – which suggests that their sex lives are not getting the attention they deserve because both spread themselves too thin and are probably exhausted. “Some people are reflecting on their sexual adult selves for the first time and some have been married for 20-plus years, and only now are coming to address their sexual issues.” There are also nearly or newly divorced people who are stepping back into dating and feeling anxious about sex with somebody new. Quite often, Zeising says, the people who look like they have it all are actually struggling behind closed doors, with “disconnection – from one another or their own sexual pleasure – avoidance or just a sense of dissatisfaction”. From new mothers who want to get back into shape and regain confidence in the bedroom, to men who are battling with performance anxiety, to people dealing with trauma, there is no one type of client. Many feel they should have figured it out by now and do not know how to move forward. That is often the point at which they seek help. Often, Zeising says, one person in the relationship has been mulling over a less-than-satisfactory sex life for months, even years, while their partner “is just starting to realise there’s a problem”. It can be fear, shame or just not knowing how to talk about something so personal, she explains. “I see this as part of the couple’s dynamic: one leads the charge, the other pulls back.” It’s a turning point that says, ‘I don’t want to keep living like this’ Kristin Zeising, clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist Seeing a person without their partner is worthwhile, says Foxworth, “as there is still good work we can do together”. A partner may be unwilling to join a therapy session “because of perceived shame or cultural stigma, which is not an indication of their commitment to the relationship”. It is most often men who want to speak to her without a partner present, Foxworth says. This might reflect the limited spaces that men have to speak openly about their sexual health, intimacy needs and relationship challenges. While the intimate and specific details of each relationship are different, Zeising sees some common threads. Many clients see her because they feel something has been lost in their relationship or sex life. They might say things like, “We’re more like roommates than lovers” or “I want to want my partner, but I don’t know how to get that feeling back”. Other times, she says, “it’s more of a personal search, someone realising they’ve never truly known what they want sexually, and they’re ready to figure it out”. By the time a person or a couple sees a therapist, they have often been carrying “years of silence, resentment or confusion”, says Zeising. But deciding to talk about it, to stop pretending everything is fine, is a powerful step. “It’s a turning point that says, ‘I don’t want to keep living like this’.” Foxworth’s neurodivergent clients – with medical disorders or learning disabilities that affect how their brain works – have different strengths and challenges than those without them. She is able to share insights that help clients to “build healthy understandings of intimacy and relationships that were never afforded to us through traditional education”. She describes the case of a recent client with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) who experienced guilt and shame over having a libido that was higher than their partner’s and was anxious about whether it was normal. The client had never considered that having ADHD, a neurodevelopmental disorder, could be a reason for their high libido. By sharing the neuroscience behind their brain and libido, Foxworth was able to assuage the client’s guilt and shame and provide practical strategies to manage the different levels of desire in the relationship. Six ways to boost your sex life now Tips from Zeising: Stop making sex a high-pressure event with high expectations. Instead of perfect sex, focus on having honest sex. It is not about candles and fireworks, it is about finding your way back to one another – flirt, touch without an agenda and laugh. Be playful and curious, not performative. Do not wait to “feel like it”. Desire does not strike like lightning. Be willing to step into the sexual space even before you feel the spark. Foxworth’s advice: Explore sexuality through creative expression – erotic poetry or literature, incorporating erotic art into your home and romantic sensual rituals. This fosters emotional connections essential for enjoying physical intimacy and can deepen your understanding of yourself and your partner. Have open and honest dialogue about desires, boundaries and expectations. There is no right or wrong frequency of sex; what matters is that both partners feel satisfied with their level of intimacy. Seek medical or professional guidance if you feel physical or hormonal challenges may throw up obstacles. Like what you read? Follow SCMP Lifestyle on Facebook, X and Instagram. You can also sign up for our eNewsletter here.

Can sex therapy help me? How it benefits couples, plus 6 expert tips on making love better

.css-1c6uqr6{color:inherit;font-weight:inherit;font-size:inherit;font-family:inherit;line-height:inherit;overflow-wrap:break-word;}Deciding to talk about a less-than-satisfactory sex life, to stop pretending everything’s fine, is a powerful step to fixing it, experts say

Deciding to talk about a less-than-satisfactory sex life, to stop pretending everything’s fine, is a powerful step to fixing it, experts say