Explainer | What is stress? New mother finds out the hard way as experts advise on managing it

For Hong Kong psychoanalyst Diego Busiol, the word “stress” does not adequately reflect the body and mind’s reaction to a perceived pressure. “The term tends to flatten complex human phenomena into something overly generic,” he says. “It’s much more nuanced than that. It affects people differently.” He gives an example: “You can have two managers with identical workloads: one develops chronic insomnia, the other thrives. The difference lies not in the pressure itself, but in each person’s history – in their ideals, beliefs, and the unconscious meaning they give to effort and responsibility.” Stress is also not inherently bad. “When it has direction and meaning, it can be a catalyst for growth, learning and creation. Think of someone starting an enterprise full of hope and curiosity. The physiological arousal they feel isn’t pathology – it’s enthusiasm,” Busiol says. If “stress” aligns with a person’s desire, he explains, “it mobilises them”. On the other hand, if it is not in sync with their wants and direction, “it immobilises”. “One type fuels movement, the other freezes it,” he says, adding that this explains why some people feel alive under pressure while others struggle. Asha, who did not want to disclose her surname, knows all about positive stress. A high-flying marketing executive, she was headhunted for a position in Hong Kong and moved to the city in 2013. She thrived. If work pressure began to overwhelm her, she went running. “I am that Indian who cannot meditate,” she laughs. She was married in 2015, and “life was really good, on track”. When you are young, Asha says, or before you have had to endure much stress, there is the feeling that it will simply pass. “I’ve always taken traditional routes – eating healthy food, working out – because, innately, your body knows this stops it, so I will do this more. Coming from a traditional family, we weren’t taught stress management.” Busiol says common stress-relief techniques like breathwork, meditation, yoga and mindfulness can be helpful on the surface, because they calm the body. But “they risk becoming ways to tolerate an unsustainable situation rather than to transform it”. A year into her married life, Asha was diagnosed with cancer. Her oncologist gave her great advice to help her cope with the years of treatment that followed. “He told me to imagine my treatment programme was a tree; we were going to tackle one branch at a time. It meant I never had to look too far ahead to ‘what ifs’ or ‘what nows’.” Despite the challenges, she welcomed the arrival of a baby in 2021 and continued to perform well at work. Only when her husband succumbed to alcoholism soon after they became parents did she realise she could not cope. “I was taking care of a job, of a new baby, of a husband in the throes of alcoholism because I thought it was my duty – but nobody was taking care of me.” For her, “I should” had replaced “I want”. That, Busiol says, is when symptoms appear: “[Problems arise] when someone acts against their own values or desires, doing things ‘because they must’ or ‘because it’s the right thing to do’,” he says. “The body becomes the stage where unconscious conflict can speak.” Asha could not sleep or eat, and no amount of running could help. On the verge of a breakdown, she saw a therapist, who helped her understand that she could not help her husband – he had to do that. She could only help herself. Hong Kong clinical psychologist Michael Beckham refers to this as a crisis. “When an individual enters my office, reeling from a recent trauma – such as death, betrayal or a diagnosis – their world has just collapsed, and they fear they may collapse as well. “At that point, I neither interpret nor instruct; I only become the singular individual in their life unafraid of the discomfort they experience.” In a safe and objective space for the client, Beckham witnesses “panic, the tears, the fury”. With time and support, they realise “they can endure this hour, and subsequently the next. The crisis diminishes in its capacity to characterise them.” Asha mirrors the sort of people Busiol typically sees. “I rarely meet a ‘stressed person’,” he says. “I see someone whose life or work has lost subjective resonance. They keep going out of duty, identification or sacrifice – and at some point, the body starts speaking where meaning has collapsed.” That could take the form of depression or insomnia, like Asha’s. Part of the language of stress includes the activation of cortisol, adrenaline and sympathetic arousal – so-called somatic symptoms. “The body says what the person cannot,” Busiol explains. Asha’s psychologist helped her “triage” the problem one day at a time, she says, just as her oncologist had. “Don’t look at what could happen – that won’t get you anywhere,” Asha says her oncologist advised her. “Just see the two options in front of you. You have this or this. You either go here and afterwards we talk those options, or we go here and we talk these options.” Her therapist did the same, she says, “and it clicked”. Asha wanted the enormous pressures to go away, but she also understood she needed to feel control over how she managed the stress. Beckham says the key is to focus on what you can change, such as your thoughts, intentions and deeds. The most effective strategy for handling pressure is to “respond rationally rather than emotionally”. Asha understood that circumstances had to change for her feelings to change. She quit her job and stopped believing that she had control over her husband’s illness. She was getting better on her own, and it was up to him to do the same. She is now in what she describes as a renaissance as a happy, well mother. She and her husband are separated, but he is better than he was. They co-parent their child amicably. She plans to spend six months pivoting to a new career. “I’m in hibernation, getting ready to start the next phase of my life. Let’s see where the wind takes me.” Like what you read? Follow SCMP Lifestyle on Facebook, X and Instagram. You can also sign up for our eNewsletter here.

.css-1c6uqr6{color:inherit;font-weight:inherit;font-size:inherit;font-family:inherit;line-height:inherit;overflow-wrap:break-word;}A battle with cancer, a new baby and an alcoholic husband tested high-flying executive Asha’s ability to cope with stress

A battle with cancer, a new baby and an alcoholic husband tested high-flying executive Asha’s ability to cope with stress