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Meet our Sexpert Panel
DJ Stonedog of Club Volume, Manhandler
Liza Lebeda of HipHongKong, Cougar-in-training
The Countess, HK’s premier Dominatrix
Johannes Pong, HK’s Nightlife
Yalun Tu, the Straight Man
Whip It by girl
My then-boyfriend wanted to experiment, so he brings out this whip. 
Me: What the hell is that? No! 
Him: Awww, come on!
Me: NO!
And then he just starts whipping me, and I’m being chased round the room shouting, “What the hell are you doing!?!? Stop it! Stop it! 
Him: Aww, come on! I bet it doesn’t hurt THAT much!
Me: It hurts, fuck off!! 
So I’m naked, crouching in a corner and practically weeping, and he says to me: “Isn’t this hot?”
Verdict
DJ: Sad, but probably TRUE. I guess in this household it’s vanilla only and nipple clamps are out of the question? 
Cougar: Partially true. Can we get some hot candlewax with that cat o’nine tails? 
Countess: I hope this story is false. I personally would have snatched the whip off him and shown him how much it didn’t hurt.
Nightlife: Ditto. The girl was obviously not into S&M. Maybe she should introduce a strap-on to her selfish little lover next time.
Straight Man: True. Isn’t this a class they have at gyms?
Rocking the Boat by guy
I was on a junk trip at Millionaire’s Beach in Sai Kung, and we happened to see a bonafide millionaire in a speedboat… having cowgirl-style sex with an athletic looking Western woman, while the speedboat captain sat up front waiting for them to finish. Yes—in a six-person, open-top speedboat. When they finished, the captain politely started up the engine and drove them back to their yacht.
Verdict
DJ: True. Millionaire Matchmaker, indeed! 
Cougar: True. Good help is so hard to find.
Countess: True. If I’d been there I would have taken a video and posted it on YouTube.
Nightlife: True. Seen that shit before.
Straight Man: False. Nobody in Hong Kong is polite.
Fireman by girl
He was a gorgeous, buff, real fireman. All my friends were dribbling shamelessly on him, but I thought he was one of those impossibly hot gay men (impossibly hot men who are nice are usually gay) so I was just friendly and normal—as opposed to my usual self, a moth’s fart in the presence of hotness. A week later, he turned up at my work and asked me out—a complete shock. He had a very agreeable habit of carrying me into the bedroom. And it’s ABSOLUTELY not true what they say about Asian sausage—this fireman was packing some serious hose in the equipment department, and he knew how to use it.
Verdict
Cougar: False. Whoever wrote this was obviously dreaming. PS: You bring the hose, I’ll slide down the pole.
Countess: True. Love the way he found where you worked and turned up there. I also once had a fireman, he was seriously fit but I feel I missed out as he never carried me into the bedroom. 
Straight Man: True. This is the most boring story I have ever read. Here’s my summary: Hi. I’m a girl. I once dated a guy. He had a job. His job was a fireman. He was hot. Fire is hot. He was good at sex. His penis was larger than average. Great. Give me back those 20 seconds of my life.
Screw with a View by girl
I had met this guy from a small French-owned island, who had spent his childhood spear fishing and racing bikes (hot built bronzed body). He barely spoke English, but speaking is overrated when you are as fine as he was. He was new in town so I decided to show him one of my favorite views one night, from a roof of a hotel in Lan Kwai Fong. When we got to the top floor, we looked around to make sure the coast was clear as I carefully unhooked the fire escape to the roof. We climbed over the chains and made it on top of the 30-something-floor building. The lights were on and it was magic. I went over to the edge railing and was looking at the harbor when he suddenly came up to me and bent me over the railing. I gazed and moaned at the magnificent Central skyline as cleaners from the building across watched our hot and heavy session. Talk about a true Hong Kong experience, and the best screw with a view of my life. We sneaked out of the hotel to join our friends for a meal in Rat Alley afterwards.
Verdict
Cougar: True. Too standard not to be. Yawn.  
Countess: A true classic. What a fabulous way to show a visitor the town.
Nightlife: I love Rat Alley.
A Grim Fairy Tale by guy
“Working in the gay community I’m privy to all sorts of scandalous sexcapades. Early last year, the big rumor circulating was about a phantom flasher who would allegedly strip completely naked and pounce on unsuspecting victims from the darkest corners of bars, clubs and toilet cubicles, whereupon he would flash his victims, twirling his junk like an elephant’s trunk. He was nicknamed around town as “The Gay Unicorn” because no one knew for sure if he existed or not. I too thought it was all an urban myth, but as months went by, more and more reports flooded in of people claiming to have seen this mythical beast. I dismissed it entirely.
One early fresh-out-of-the-office 7pm weeknight, I was at a particular venue, went to use the lav and felt something blocking the door. I pushed harder and the door flung open. There he was—in all his flash-tasmorical, butt-naked, penis-swishing glory doing the homo-helicopter dance. I was so shocked I screamed like a little girl and fled to my friends nearby who squealed in delight at my rare find. Next thing I know, there’s this 200-pound gweipo fag hag banging on the door hollering “Are you for real? Come out and prove your existence!” Everyone gathered around with bated breath to catch a glimpse of the cornered fag of folklore. An hour passed before he peered out, fully clothed, head bowed and silent, ignoring a whole bar of wolf whistles and cheers in awe of his legendary status. But just like that—poof—he was gone in an instant and The Gay Unicorn was never heard of again. All that’s left in Gaytown HK is a lingering doubt of the figment of our community’s imagination.
Verdict
DJ: TRUE. This story was the talk of the town back then. 
Countess: Hmmm. Maybe true but surprised I never heard about this. What I’d really like to know is: who is the 200-pound gweipo fag hag?
Nightlife: True, but wondering why I have never bumped into this creature before. Would’ve hunted it and skinned it alive as column material. 
Straight Man: True. I am confused how the writer knew that the vigorous penis-spinning helicopter dance was a gay vigorous penis-spinning helicopter dance and not a straight vigorous penis-spinning helicopter dance.
Bad Bromance by boy
I went to some “art” event in a Chai Wan industrial building in an artist’s loft and studio, and at the after party, this straight dude dragged me into the artist’s bedroom and proceeded to perform fellatio on me. He kept telling me he was straight and had never done anything like that before, but he was pretty damn good at it. The loft had this huge glass window overlooking the balcony, where 100 or so people were outside, and I could see all my friends outside and almost hear everyone’s conversation. Luckily, they couldn’t see or hear us.
Verdict
Cougar: False. Obviously a gay man with a straight conversion fantasy wrote this. 
DJ: TRUE. Most “straight” men are like spaghetti—heat them up enough and eventually they’ll bend. 
Countess: True but neither of you are straight, sweetie. He’s done it before and you’ll both do it again. 
Nightlife: Story of my life. True.
Straight Man: Partly true. I don’t have a phD in linguistics, but I think that putting your penis in another man’s orifice doesn’t constitute as straight? This sounds more like a Craigslist casual encounters confession to me.
Shrimp Cocktail by girl
There was that Japanese model and TV star who used to hang out at D-i, and after making out with him in a temple (we’re both going to hell), he whipped his tiny little friend out and smoldered “look how big it is” while wiggling a penis the size of a shrimp at me. I was far too polite and, stupefied by insouciant beauty, so decided to just go with it. It was more like sucking on cold vermicelli. These days, I would just laugh and point.
Verdict
DJ: False. I refuse to believe that famous people have small dicks. Shattering my illusions is so not cool. 
Cougar: True. We don’t want vermicelli for dinner. We want cannelloni.
Nightlife: OMG, if only he was as monumental in bed as he is on the screen.
Model Behavior by girl
Back in the day when I was a teenager I used to work as a glamour model (a model who models naked). Once, myself and two other girls were put up in a hotel the day before a shoot. We were all quite sluttish and decided to head to the bar but could only find two young guys who said they were brothers. They could’ve been high school seniors, and they looked like they’d never been with girls. We invited them up to our room to see our portfolios (corny but true). The older one was a bit chubby and had to go. So we made them do a striptease and said the best stripper could stay. As soon as fatty left we dove on the dude. He’d already confessed he was a virgin so we soon rectified that, over and over and over. As he was staying with mum and dad in the hotel, we also decided it would be quite funny to cover him with love bites and scratches. Can’t say it was the best sex I’ve ever had but reckon it’s still up there as one of his top nights.
Verdict
DJ: True. The portfolio line is the oldest trick in the book, right ladies?  Although in my case, I substitute “portfolio” with my “12-inch vinyl collection.”
The Countess: True. I know because I was there.
Nightlife: False. And nasty. Is this a story to jumpstart sex tourism in HK?
Minor Incident by girl
I was walking through a crowded Drop to get to some friends when an enormous pair of hands wrapped around my waist and pulled me down onto their lap. Astonished by this show of arrogance, I turned to face the person I was about to slap and nearly fainted. He was a whole hunk of a beautiful Asian man—tall, muscular, chiseled, tanned AND dimpled. I know this is true, because I happened to be surrounded by an entourage of homos of impeccable taste who were all assassinating me with their eyes. What the hell, I thought. Why waste time, let’s go back to mine. So we did. And after a satisfyingly primal episode, he gave me a nice long massage, a long kiss goodbye, and we both skipped off into the sunset. Or so I thought. The next day, I received a message from one of the witnesses. Turned out they knew each other. He was not in his mid twenties as he had originally said—he was 18— “significantly” younger than me! When he said he was at Cambridge, I thought he meant university, not preschool.
Verdict
Cougar: Oh come on, he was legal!
DJ: False. That whole part about her taking him home never happened. I know this because I was one of the boys assassinating her with my eyes. 
Nightlife: TRUE. I was also part of that assassin’s guild, but my spies verified afterwards. Don’t have to be jealous, DJ—that chiseled Asian man has a beer belly now. 
Turkish Pube Thief by girl
Turk pube thief was a random pick up as I approached comatose state in the old Homebase (where necrophiliacs circle)—so we went to his hotel and things were moving, as they do. We got in the shower and it was all very cool, but then, there was a strange new sensation. I looked down and he was shaving what was left after the bikini wax. No “Would you mind?” or “May I?”—just right in there with a razor. And in the morning, I asked for taxi money as I was in the middle of Kowloon minus everything I owned and he told me I was, “Very cheap.” Nice. I swore at him in Greek.
Verdict
DJ: True. But I’m surprised he didn’t try to shave your back while he was at it. 
Cougar: Partially True. Take a hint Barbara Bush!
The Countess: True. What a tightass calling a lady cheap for needing taxi fare—I would have nipped to the toilet and peed on his toothbrush for that.
Straight Man: True. Have you seen the mutants at Homebase? I once went there sober and it was like Neo finding out about the Matrix for the first time.
Nutsford by guy
This was a few years ago before Knutsford Terrace was all Lan Kwai Fongified. I was sitting outside a café reading when I noticed a group of office ladies at an outdoor table at the bar next door. They looked about 10 years older than me, in their mid-30s. These ladies invited me over to their table when I got up to leave. They seemed like just ordinary OLs out for a Sex and the City-style night on the town. But man, they could really drink. I actually had to try really hard to keep up, and I was a young guy just out of college. They got fairly flirty, and I realized I should stop dweebing and sort it out. Now I’m no player, but I’ve seen enough rap videos. So I figured I had better pick a target—not the fat one; not the one who talks about her husband; only two remained—Girl Left or Girl Right. I went left, to the best of my ability.
Then Fat One suggested karaoke. I wasn’t quite comfortable with that, knowing that was their territory, but I went along anyway. Next thing I know, we’re in a karaoke room with green tea and whisky. By this time, I was pretty amenable to ridiculous suggestions. They said: “Take off your shirt.” So I did. Then they told me to take off my pants and stand on the table. Now they were laughing and throwing pieces of fruit at me. I remember snapping out of my stupor thinking: “Why am I standing on the table in my underwear, while four strange women threw chunks of melon at me, and Aaron Kwok playing in my face at maximum volume?” Then the women took turns kissing my arms, and I was like, alright I’m getting dressed. I put my clothes on, and I guess I ruined the mood, so we all left. I don’t know who paid.   
We went downstairs and the three OLs told me to go home with Girl Right. What? I’d been working Girl Left the whole night! Oh right, actually I hadn’t really been in control of the situation whatsoever. Girl Right it is! Went back to her place and had some sex. The next morning, she looks over at me and says, “We might really have a future here.” “I need to go to work,” I said. I went downstairs, and I was in Tai Hang. I’ll never go to Knutsford Terrace again.
Verdict
Cougar: True. That’s what you get for trolling TST for sex. At least you didn’t have to chew your arm off. 
DJ: False. Boys are prone to exaggerate the numbers game. Remove the beer goggles and you’re more likely to accurately count only one cougar and a night you’d rather forget.  
Countess: True and false. Basically this is true apart from the 
last paragraph. He did not get taken home by Girl Right—he went home after having fruit thrown at him but he knows he would look like an idiot saying that. 
Nightlife: STFU. Partly. A wimp who can’t even get it up for a stretched out fantasy.
Straight Man: False. But only because this story was so 
boring that I stopped on the second paragraph so don’t know how it ended.


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Dear readers, what follows are 10 tales of sordid sexual soirees that happened here in humble Hong Kong. They’ve all been told to us by REAL people. We have embellished nothing, and removed only identifying details if there were any, in order to keep it anonymous. But are these raunchy stories true or just plain old braggadocio? We’ve asked a panel of local sexperts to vote on the veracity of the tales and rate their hotness.
