Seek out opponents you have an advantage over to maximize your chances of winning. Excellent candidates include little kids, little kids who are rich, people whose kids you’ve kidnapped, and your own kids (as long as they still live at home and can be kicked out for being good at poker). Aces are the most powerful card in poker. Keep a few up your sleeves in case they come in handy. Remember: four aces is good, five is better, six and people might start asking questions. Every time an opponent raises you, ask, “Are you offering me a raise? For my good job performance?” and then laugh for 40 seconds without stopping. Eventually nobody will ever raise you in a game. Know the odds really, really well. People will think you are a machine and fold because they’re scared of the incoming robot invasion. Don’t drink too much while playing. You might end up thinking your opponent is really beautiful and having a one-night stand. The bad kind. Wear sunglasses so people can’t see your eyes. Also bring a seeing eye-dog to really mess with them. Use poker chips rather than regular potato chips. They’re 30 percent lower in carbs. Give each card a nickname so you seem like you’re experienced. Nothing says poker pro like telling the table you have a “hand of two Celinas with a Worthington kicker.” To be a good poker player you have to look like a poker player. Gain 30 pounds. Stop exercising and showering. There. Now you’re a poker player. Entice stupid players to bet by telling them that you don’t not not not not not not not have a flush. If you have a really bad hand, say, “I have a pair of swine flus,” and then cough until everyone leaves. Like Sun-Tzu says in the “Art of War,” high card beats low card, for ties place three down and then flip over one. Convince your friends to play War. It requires literally no skill whatsoever.