There are many ways to lose weight in Hong Kong (running, striptease class, drinking in Wan Chai until you vomit, more running) but I think I’ve found the most sadistic: “boot camp.” Yes, the workout popularized in the anti-yoga backlash of the 2000s has come to Hong Kong a few years late, much like a guy who thinks wearing dark jeans and white shoes is being trendy. Maybe in 2005. As Johannes would say—nevermind, you know what Johannes would say.
There are a number of boot camps in Hong Kong but the one I tried is the quintessential Hong Kong Bootcamp, called, appropriately, “Bootcamp (by Body Synergy).” “Body Synergy” is a very nice sounding name for a company, especially since it makes no sense at all—synergy occurs when the results are greater than the sum of the parts but a “body” is only one part. Where’s the other? And don’t say at Stormy’s on Friday night. Only mutants there. I tried to bring this up to my trainer but he just told me to do pushups, which you can do in Bootcamp, unlike other areas of life:
Boss: Yalun, I need that report ASAP.
Me: Shut up! Do 20 pushups!
Boss: You’re fired.
Me: : (
I started by going to the 7:30pm class on Mondays and Wednesdays in the park, trained by Bootcamp virtuoso Samson, who does resemble the Biblical character, if only in spirit.
He started off by saying the word “water” in a thick Jersey accent, making us all smile. Big mistake. Do not smile around Samson. Do not imply that it is easy like this guy next to me whose name sounded like “rice crispies” did. We were running, doing push-up things, doing sit ups, and other things that made my muscles scream more than a Wyndham Street cougar trying to fit into a size 2 dress. The hour went by quickly—but incredibly painfully—and I was left a sweaty, twisted, lump of flesh lying on the ground in the park while couples who had gone there to make out stared at me, i.e. the biggest turn off in the world.
I scraped myself off the ground and reflected. OMG my body hurt and I think a part of me died a little. It was a very rough workout. The next day my muscles failed and I sat down in a chair and couldn’t stand up. Thank god it had wheels.
