At this stage of the international swine flu outbreak, there is no shortage of confusion and misinformation. Are we going to die slow agonizing deaths now, or will it be 4-6 weeks from now? So we’ve decided to pitch in and help the best we can—with a list of jokes.
Maintaining Good Hygiene
As you can tell from all of the explanatory notices posted around town, hygiene is not some silly fad like FitFlops or the Bubonic Plague—being clean is here to stay. So remember to wash all surfaces with a bleach solution, and to add sterilizing Everclear 151 to any beverages to kill bacteria. Also, be sure to frequently wash your forehead, particularly after violently headbutting others. You’d be surprised how many people forget that.
Diagnosis
Let’s just say at this stage in the game that if you have so much as a tickle in your throat, you definitely have swine flu. Quarantine yourself at home for weeks at a time. Remember all those instant noodles packets you bought back during Sars? They’ll make a fine barricade to reinforce your door.
Note: Kids, this is just a joke column—if you are experiencing flu-like symptoms, be sure to check with a medical professional such as WebMD.
What to do if a family member has swine flu...
If your swine flu infected child is under 10 years old, there is a risk that he could grow a small squiggly tail. This is not dissimilar to what happens in Pinocchio when the boy puppet has turned into a donkey. He then gets eaten by a whale, if we remember correctly. Long story short: he becomes a real boy when he finally stops lying. Remind your child that if he wants to grow up to be a real man, he needs to quit sissying around and tell the truth about the current state of his viral load.
Swine Flu Myth #1: You can get swine flu from eating pork
If this were true, then that would mean you would have to change your lifestyle, and stop stuffing your fat face with pork chops from that dai pai dong on the corner. This is clearly not an option, therefore it can’t be true. You can, however, get it from having intercourse with an infected pig... which means you’d better start looking for a new wife! Zing!
Swine Flu Myth #2: We’re running out of Tamiflu
Now, we have it on excellent authority that Tamarflu is widely available from select merchants in Mong Kok and Shenzhen... Oh, you mean Tamiflu with the “i”? Um, yeah don’t worry too much about that right now. It’s not like we’re hoarding crates and crates of that in the HK Magazine storeroom. No.... On another note, have you heard about that virulent new flu strain that’s evolved from the rare Tami cat of central China? No? Well, that’s a thing, and you should probably find some new drugs for it. Next topic...
Swine Flu Myth #3: If you get swine flu, you will die
This is just silly scare mongering. Statistics show that you only have a 95-97 percent chance of dying if you contract swine flu, which is significantly lower than your chances of being killed by a dangerous falling tree since we’ve installed the new Tree Tsar.