It is with great regret that we make this announcement. Due to the recent economic downturn, Christmas will officially be cancelled in Hong Kong this year until further notice.
Santa will not be flown out of a retirement home in Canada this year to listen to your children’s demands. As for his little helpers, they will unfortunately have to be made redundant with immediate effect. The annual Winterfest carnival will also be downgraded to more of a soiree than a fest: for one night only, a folding table will be erected in Statue Square, upon which will be available complimentary crackers and cheese. Wassailing will be by permit only.
On the bright side, you will no longer be required to buy overpriced presents for friends and family, nor feign pleasant surprise at the sight of yet another poorly chosen sweater or pair of socks that play “Jingle Bells.” There will be no arguments over who got the latest iPod, or who got the biggest portion of turkey. Indeed, abandoning Christmas this year might well end up helping to preserve the family unit.
There have been persistent rumors that we will be bailing out Christmas this year. While these claims aren’t exactly true, we will be taking several steps to stimulate yuletide cheer. All citizens will be issued one Swarovski crystal Santa to be distributed to needy grandmas accordingly. In addition, considering the layoffs of Santa’s little helpers, the government is planning to roll out several suitable infrastructure projects for their continued employment, including dwarf bypasses and mini-flyovers. What’s more, we’re happy to announce roasted chestnuts will still be available from corner hawkers in Tsim Sha Tsui.
Looking ahead, the government also plans to downgrade the Lunar New Year from the Year of the Ox to the Year of the Mule.
So you are all on your own this season. We have severely downsized mall decorations, ankle socks are to be issued in lieu of roomier Christmas stockings, and good tithings will be replaced with regular tithings.