Earlier this week, the Equal Opportunities Commission released a handy 50-page document outlining the definitions of racial discrimination. We were lucky enough to get our hands on an early draft of the introduction...
Greetings, employer!
Congratulations on taking your first step down the road to equal opportunities! This government-sponsored pamphlet is called “The Code of Practice on Employment,” but for the sake of plain English, we are going to call it, “How To Avoid Being Racist.” Here’s a brief summary of the chapters we’re planning to cover:
Chapter 1: What is racial discrimination?
Sure, everybody knows the basics of outright discrimination, but there are a lot of gray areas where the law isn’t so clear. This chapter aims to teach you whether complaining about someone microwaving their stinky indigenous lunch in the staff pantry constitutes racial harassment, or whether a staff member can sue you for using the phrase “more chins than a Chinese phonebook.” It will also discuss how this statement contravenes anti-obesity discrimination measures.
Chapter 2: Liability
Sometimes the law can get blurry. Luckily, we’ve covered each and every situation where discrimination may occur, to ensure that you, the employer, know your rights. Sure, everyone knows that discrimination in the workplace is illegal, but what about at a company event? These situations are not as black and white* as you might think. Say, what if your employee overheard a racist joke, even if it wasn’t about their race? Or if they’re racially discriminated against by the company mascot outside of office hours? What if your employees are Asian-American standup comics milking their well-milked source of gags? Employers need to protect themselves from every conceivable scenario.
Chapter 3: Exploiting loopholes
Sometimes, a little discrimination is inevitable. But luckily, there are ways to get around the law. Only want to hire busty blondes**? All you have to do is create a “Busty Blondes” themed bar, restaurant or law firm and you can hire all the Nordic babes you like, citing a “genuine occupational qualification.” Itching to fire someone because of their skin color? Say they didn’t quite blend in with the venue’s new paint job. It’s that easy!