Last Saturday was my Japanese surfer chick friend Akiko’s farewell party. She’s in hospitality, and now she’s off to slave away in a resort hotel in the Maldives. So I got to FINDS to join the party, but there’s no Akiko. I asked everyone in the group where Akiko is, and they were like, “We don’t know! She was supposed to finish watching this band at Grappas Cellar with Risa but then they never answered our calls.” For like, four hours. I mean I got there terribly, fashionably two hours late. I expect the party to be up and running by the time I get there. So it was up to me to get things done and I texted: “Hello--?!? Where r u betches? EVERYONE’S OUT waiting 4 y’all.” The reply came immediately. “Solas.” Goodness. Do I have to do everything after hours? We got there and received intoxicated apologies from Japanese girls smashed on chocolate martinis. But then the DJ started playing the radio edit of “American Boy” and Estelle’s awesome voice always gets me singing along and pulling shapes and forgetting angry shit. Even this annoying situation where I was forced to overhear these curious lesbians standing next to me who kept asking this Norwegian boy if he was gay or not. I mean, people scream in loud clubs, so it wasn’t like I was desperately trying to eavesdrop. The girl was like, “ARE YOU GAY?!?!? ARE YOU?!?!?” Dyke, please. It’s obvious that you are, because you’re wearing “butch smart casual” as opposed to “horny sexy one-piece” that every other female in there will wear. This week’s bitch please goes to my tech department. I had to download all these super high-resolution images from a photographer’s FTP site. So I went over to our competent tech department to request some downloading help. I thought their special tech powers would enable them to get it done faster. Well, all I got was bitching. And then some. Like how it would take TEN hours. Well, finally one of them decided to give it a try and it was completed within an hour. Bitch please. I wanted tech support, not tech smackdown. Well, here’s yours. Yeah, you knew it was coming. Bygones.