January After spending most of 2009 squabbling, the pan-democrats finally announce their mass-resignation plans. “Long Hair” Leung Kwok-hung moons Donald Tsang as he leaves the Legco chamber. February Following the mass resignation, a by-election takes place. The democrats launch an extensive re-election campaign. They print “I Love Democracy” badges to distribute, but a printing error leads to badges reading “I Love Dean Koontz” instead. March Running out of money to finance the trial to claim Chinachem billionaire Nina Wang’s fortune, maverick feng shui master Tony Chan goes to the Rugby Sevens. He subsequently vanishes, last seen offering the Australian team sporting victory by feng shui methods in exchange for $1 billion. April The pan-democrats fail to get re-elected. Why? After observing the endless bickering among the parties, the public decides that time is better spent watching the “Miss Hong Kong” final instead. May Countdown to “Asian Games 2019” begins. Hong Kong government begins stockpiling fireworks to use for “best-ever” marathon display. Games mascot, “Peter the Pro-Beijing Puppet” is unveiled to rapturous applause. June Minor Legco sex scandal: Tanya Chan files a complaint against DAB legislator Gary Chan when he compliments her “awesome rack.” He insists he is referring to her new CD storage brackets. July New pop cultural phenomenon takes Hong Kong by storm. The “pseudo-pseudo models” pose provocatively on Wan Chai street corners, dressed in skimpy clothing and offering to sleep with men for money. Conservative religious groups declare the new, unheard-of phenomenon evidence of modern society’s lack of morals. August The rainy season. Hong Kong grinds to a halt as everyone is occupied with scraping mold off their loved ones. Tony Chan discovered alive, tied to a tree in Wollongong, New South Wales, unable to account for his whereabouts for the past 4 months. September Following pubic criticism against the Hong Kong-Guangzhou high-speed train, Donald Tsang downgrades the project to a far less pricy two-man handcar, with traveling time to Guangzhou approximately three-and-a-half weeks. October Armed with mooncakes stuffed in socks, ousted pan-democrats attempt to stage a bloodless coup in order to wrest control from the pro-Beijing camp. Coup turns bloody when “Mad Dog” Raymond Wong slams his finger in a filing cabinet. November Godzilla attacks Hong Kong and lays waste to the city. The colossal mega-lizard is eventually captured and housed in Ocean Park. Disney has to settle for Mothra. December In the spirit of the festive season, the LSD invite all legislators to a BBQ cookout, where goodwill abounds until DAB legislator Gary Chan makes an unwitting comment about the size of “Mad Dog” Raymond Chan’s wiener.
