Dear Taoist Sex Wizard, I consider myself a model, but everyone else calls me a “pseudo-model!” I work very hard at being a model. I pout and wear lots of purple makeup. I want to be taken seriously, but I’m frustrated. Please help!—Psuedo in Pok Fu Lam It is wise of you in your young years to seek help from me, a Taoist Master Wizard! I have trained for years in the ancient Taoist arts of harmony, furniture arrangement, qigong breathing, and penile-vaginal penetration. The problem you are facing, young one, is not uncommon to your profession. Since some may view you superficially, you should be in touch with the harmony of your natural order. Maybe twice a day, if you desire. Try to first place a plant in your workspace, and/or lie down gently in my Taoist boudoir and get a little backseat mambo on with yours truly. You will soon feel the qi of success flushing out your bad luck. Yes, we’ll have those pipes cleaned like there is no tomorrow. Dear Taoist Sex Wizard, I am a legislator from the pan-democratic camp, and I believe that the answer to everyone’s frustrations with the government is the introduction of more democracy so that the public can hold their government accountable for their decisions. That said, I don’t want to damage our cause by provoking Beijing. What to do?—Worried in Wong Tai Sin My friend, it is wise to turn to me for assistance. Your problem is truly daunting in scope, but you would be surprised what perspective one can acquire with only a few light tai qi moves and some hardcore hippity dippity in the backseat of my van. While as an S.A.R., we are always at Beijing’s whim, we need to remember that they can’t stop us from bumpin’ uglies straight on till the break of dawn, whether we call that a “referendum” or not. No one can stop you from resigning yourself to ridin’ the pink pony and rockin’ the casbah till you can’t even cross your legs right. So go on, speak up for democracy, and what better way to achieve that than by hopping on the skin bus to tuna town with me? Dear Taoist Sex Wizard, I’ve been let go from my bank because of the financial crisis. And though I have a nice severance package, I’m at my wit’s end with boredom and looking for something more fulfilling in life. Please help!—Down And Out in Cyberport You’ve come to the right place. My mystic powers can offer you plenty of “fulfillment”: may I suggest we first begin with a little palm reading, and then maybe a quick hop on the hobby horse for some serious rump work? If that doesn’t wank your crank, we could also try putting the root down somewhere more amenable, say my enclosed feng shui garden on the balcony? With the right alignment, we could really be trading a bit of hard for a bit of soft in no time, if you catch my drift. Sexual relations, is what I mean. Dear Taoist Sex Wizard, In light of frequent complaints, we issue you this cease and desist letter to immediately halt the publication of your salacious column. This also serves as notice of your court date next week. Do not reply to this letter.—Name Withheld Alright, alright, let’s not be hasty. Just hear me out. You know what’s a great way of resolving tensions between two (or more) people? A little wallpapering of the closet, if you know what I mean. No? How’s about a spin on the ol’ geomancy disc? Polishing the oracle? Well, I know when I’m not wanted here. I’ll just quickly dip my wick and be on my way. Taoism forever!
