Labor Day is fast approaching, and here we are with no consensus on a minimum wage. Labor unions are asking for $33 an hour, while the industry heads are arguing that anything over $24 would be “lethal” for business. Fortunately, we here at HK Magazine are interested in solutions. Which is why we present here our Modest Proposal for a minimum wage. We humbly suggest that the government implement a minimum wage of no less than ZERO (0) dollars per hour. This number has its advantages: for one, it will increase the profit margins of companies significantly, and also it will increase the competitiveness of Hong Kong as a whole. In fact, there are hardly any downsides. Yet we foresee that workers may not agree with this figure, despite the competitive boost it gives to the city. Which is why we’ve adjusted this minimum required salary to include many adequate benefits to compensate employees for working for zero (0) dollars. Abode . A modest 400 square foot concrete domicile will be provided for the worker and his or her family in the company’s barracks, at the company’s expense. A complimentary airhole will be drilled for families over four. Career Opportunities for the Whole Family . Employment opportunities will also be provided for your children, once their fingers become nimble enough. Otherwise, they can enroll in the company’s training program, “Secondary School,” which educates young workers on how to become productive middlemen to recruit more workers. Cash Tokens . Of course, people should be able to enjoy the experience of exchanging cash for goods, even if their wages are zero dollars—this is Hong Kong after all! Each company will provide “Fun Money” to each family, which can be exchanged for goods and services in any of the company’s fast food restaurant chains, grocery chains, or drugstore chains. Overseers . Each cluster of workers will be supplied with an “overseer,” who can be appealed to about work issues, such as the number of lashings received, or the severity of lashings received. Note: Overseers can only respond via lashings. Statistics . Finally, this last benefit is less a personal benefit and more of a benefit for the entire society. With every worker now on a wage of zero dollars, it will be possible for the companies of Hong Kong to hire more workers, thus reducing the unemployment rate to zero, which—we are told—will eliminate all the problems in Hong Kong society. So this Labor Day, get out and show your support for reducing the unemployment rate—support a zero dollar minimum wage!