Dear France, We heard about your trouble with the bronze heads. What a pity. However, we have a modest proposal to resolve this sticky situation. Let’s look at the issues here: first, how in the world could Yves Saint Laurent be considered the most tasteful man who ever lived, and yet own something so ugly? But beyond that puzzle, there is a legal versus moral question here—China claims the bronze heads were stolen from them by the French and British, and therefore demand that they be returned. The trouble is the French legally own them. China is willing to go so far as to renege on a winning bid at an auction, no doubt irreparably damaging their user rating. So the stakes are high. Well, guys, here’s what we say: Hong Kong has more of a legitimate claim to the heads than either of you two. A quick Google through the annals of history shows us that the man responsible for their acquisition was James Bruce, the 8th Earl of Elgin, who ordered the destruction of the Summer Palace that housed the items, and yes, he is the namesake of our very own Elgin Street (check out Chip Tsao’s column for all the gruesome details). So how about we organize a trade. We’ll take the dumb heads and you can save a little face; you won’t be giving them back to China since we are only theoretically part of China. Meanwhile, the motherland will still be pleased because the fugly little heads will be back on home soil. We have the perfect place for them too, right on the end of Elgin Street, before it descends into the bibulous madness of Staunton. We can put one on either side of the escalator and people can rub them for auspiciousness, or depending on the level of inebriation, lick them for double-happiness. And during the Hawaiian Tropic Carnivale and Bikini Contest, we can put festive leis on them. Also, at least the rat head will be right at home with the adorable Elgin stray rats that freely roam the area in ravenous packs. Yeah, but in exchange, we want to repatriate a few things to France: 1. Fake LV bags. You take ‘em all, and burn them under the Bastille or what-not. 2. Delifrance salmon mousse baguettes. Those suck.