Delay No Mall grand opening last night. Now that mall is dreadfully well-designed. Everyone should go check it out and buy something there. And then go across the street to OPIA for a curry martini. 24 Herbs coincidentally held their album launch at the same party, adding some star power to the event. They started their performance at 10pm sharp, surprisingly punctual for a “rebellious” hip-hop crew. I am always thoughtlessly, fashionably late, so, respect to those chiggas.
The spotlights weren’t even on properly at 10, so at first we really couldn’t see who was on stage. Noel, the manager of JJ’s, wondered aloud beside me: “Oh my god, is that Dragon-i’s Gilbert rapping on stage?!?” Fortunately, it really wasn't.
Then unfortunately, I glanced backwards and saw the fugliest outfit ever put together by a straight girl. OK, I was a bit reluctant about going into full fashionista bitch mode so early in my nightlife column career (lest readers become addicted to the vitriol and expect it weekly), but I feel that it is my moral duty to purge that hideous image from our collective minds. Yes, this will be a group catharsis for everyone who was scarred by the sight on that fateful night.
This girl was standing on a pedestal, swaying to the beat and petitioning for attention from whoever was unfortunate enough to be around her. Bitch, please. Step the fuck down. She was wearing a white leather jacket with the bleached tails of four dead mammals (squirrels? fox cubs? cats?) hanging off each irrationally over-padded shoulder. Underneath that 80s monstrosity, she layered a white buttoned vest over what I’m pretty sure was a white logo tee (I tried not to fix my gaze for too long out of fear of spontaneous combustion). She completed the outfit with skinny pastel lime green jeans. Very “Spring.” Mind you, it’s winter now. And guess what was her choice of footwear? Black flip-flops. I kid you not. Woman, what is your theme? The Four Seasons? The gorgon Medusa?
The whole ensemble was a stylist’s nightmare. Maybe she was trying to be “creative and daring,” but it just came off as “fucking clueless.” If she were on Project Runway, the judges would have thrown their clipboards at her.
There are people who know fashion. And then there are people who don’t. And they come in two categories: those who don’t care about fashion, and those who care too much. My Taiwanese roommate in college wore the same gray sweatshirts daily, but he didn’t care and neither did I. He looked healthy. And then there’s the “I-like-fashion-but-I’m-clueless” people. They tend to think they’re hot shit. And that’s why sometimes I feel that personal shoppers play a very important role in our reality.
