Lecturer Matthew Yau
Dr. Matthew Yau is a lecturer at the only sex therapist certification course in town, and Chairperson of The Hong Kong Association of Sexuality Educators, Researchers and Therapists. He talks to June Ng about how a healthy sex life paves the way for a better life.
HK Magazine: Would you consider yourself some sort of sexual guru, or “sexpert”?
Matthew Yau: No, I practice sex therapy. It’s a specialized form of psychological counseling. It is intended to help people deal with their sex-related problems so their personal growth or intimate relationship with their partner will not be affected. In modern society, people impose a lot of different values on sex. Some treat it as a taboo, or as a mere reproductive process. There are plenty of conceptual problems with the act, and of course, physical problems as well. Our job is to identify what is the cause of their difficulties.
HK: Why did you become a sex therapist?
MY: I joined this field to help disabled people have a better sex life. Their sexual needs were largely neglected. After I started practicing, I realized so many ordinary people have lots of problems, too.
HK: Like what?
MY: Well, men and women are so different in their response to sex. Men are very simple. They can be easily aroused by visual stimuli. That’s why advertisements are highly sexualized. But women are not the same. Their desire to have sex is largely dependent on how they feel. Their mood can change very fast and their sex drive can disappear in the blink of an eye. So you can’t expect them to be turned on simply by seeing a naked body.
HK: Can we actually learn anything from porn?
MY: You have to understand that porn is fake. The target audience is men, and it only serves the purpose of fulfilling a man’s fantasy. It often portrays women as if they really want to have sex all the time. In reality, that’s not true. I once had a client who bought several sex toys after being “inspired” by Japanese pornography. It scared his wife half to death. Men should know that to get their lady into the mood, they should be more attentive, gentle and show more respect. Not any myth you see in pornography. And remember this saying, “vacuuming for your wife is the best foreplay.”
HK: Do you have any advice for the ladies?
MY: Men need encouragement and to feel heroic. So even if you’re tired or not in the mood for sex, don’t reject him too directly or be overly negative, saying things like, “Don’t touch me!” or “How could you finish so fast...” This totally devastates a man’s dignity. In fact, if you take a proactive step and be more active in sex, your guy would be quite pleased.
HK: What makes you so proud of your job?
MY: I’m happy that I can help people identify and solve their problems. In fact, many problems – like vaginismus, a low sex drive or erectile dysfunction – are curable. People simply have psychological barriers, so it's a great feeling to help them find their way through counseling!