Planet 2000 Of course, no visit to the blue planet is complete without a visit to this retro diner. Yes, it’s kitschy, but you’ve got to appreciate the lengths the management have gone to in order to recreate the fashions, food and music of this bygone era. You can play retro games like Warcraft, and when you load the “jukebox” - an antiquated music system - oldies like Franz Ferdinand will play from the “speakers.” Gynoids dressed in the fashions of the time have been programmed to “aloof/surly” mode and will take orders for classic drinks that are no longer available in modern bars, such as the “lychee martini.” Leave your pretensions at the door and indulge in this quirky but fun venue. Volar No one knows exactly how long this bar has been open, but you can still see the original door bitch suspended in amniotic jelly in a glass flotation tank by the door, entombed until the cure for old age is invented. Yes, we know that SK-II developed it in 3097, but they haven’t invented a cure for being bitchy, so there she remains. Anyway, this club is as exclusive as ever. Don’t let her vegetative state fool you. A sensor linked up to the preconscious, “are they hot enough?” part of her brain shows whether you’ll be allowed in, and unfortunately, there’s no negotiating with a comatose life form. Mos Eisley Cantina For the perennial subterranean homesick alien, you had better abandon Earth altogether and head on down to the Emerald Café, as it is officially known, though you won’t hear it called that by the punters who flock there (they usually just call it “that most wretched hive of scum and villainy”). It’s not the most salubrious establishment on Tatooine, what with shady characters conducting “business deals” here, but the atmosphere is buzzing. Proprietor The Wookiee Chalmun and bartender Wuher will always give a friendly welcome, unless of course you happen to be a droid. Those of you with artificial intelligence will have to wait outside, although any life form that can answer the question, “who shot first?” will be allowed in. Dragon-i The Ruins of Dragon-i are always a fascinating sight for an inter-planetary traveler. Following the incident in 2644, when the weight of every single model in the galaxy attempting to get in through its doors caused the roof to collapse and trap hundreds of models underneath, Dragon-i was closed to the public for several centuries. Recently, it was discovered that the models, long thought deceased, were in fact alive, having been accustomed to surviving on incomprehensibly meager amounts of food. In fact, they thrived on the club’s stockpile of vodka, cigarettes and bar snacks, and lived to form their own society, the Modelocks, which now admits visitors who come by the hoverbus-full to marvel at these marvels of the modeling world.