Just in time for the holidays, we’ve stumbled upon a troubleshooting guide helping mainland tourists negotiate the many pitfalls of holidaying in Hong Kong. You’re getting crushed at the Lo Wu border crossing If you feel the teeming masses closing in on you as you queue in the immigration lines, initiate a stampede by starting a rumor that it's two-for-one on Giordano socks. Get carried right through immigration on the sea of people. “Guided tour” actually forced march Hong Kong’s infamous guided tours usually involve trudging in and out of shopping centers, buying digital cameras and bauhinia keychains with no consideration for grandma’s rheumatics. Escape the clutches of your tour operator by drubbing her over the head with her little flag before making for the hills. You’ve been separated from your tour group Don’t panic. If you’ve been on one of the aforementioned tours, you’ll have no doubt purchased enough shark’s fin and abalone to sustain yourself for several weeks in the urban jungle. And if worse comes to worst, your fluorescent yellow cap can be unpacked for use as a flotation device and live game trap. Five-star hotel turns out to be labor camp You know you’ve been hoodwinked by feckless tour operators when the “in-room Jacuzzi” you were promised turns out to be a bucket used to collect rainwater, and the “arts and craft evening” involves stitching leather wallets. If you find yourself in this situation, air your grievances politely but firmly with the concierge. Can’t see the view of Victoria Harbour from The Peak Pollution obscuring the majestic panorama of Victoria Harbour? No problem! You don’t need to see the real thing when you’ve purchased armfuls of beach towels, coffee mugs, fridge magnets and paperweights at the conveniently located gift shop. Also, take solace in the fact that you can gulp lungfuls of Hong Kong’s marginally less polluted air. Can’t get into Disneyland A common problem, but one easily solved. Simply tie a large piece of rubber to two trees in order to create a makeshift slingshot, and then launch your offspring to the happiest place on earth! Ocean Park pandas won’t come out Try luring the pandas out by loudly imitating the sound of bamboo.