With Legco banishing smokes from the city’s eateries come Jan 1, I decided to try smoking with my dinners to see what all the bitching is about. I’ve been meaning to find a new vice to replace my shoplifting joys, and since it will be a crime to smoke soon, why not give it a go before the end of an era?
A pregnancy guide circa 1950s informs women “she must keep a slim figure for her husband and smoking a cigarette between meals will keep her food cravings away.” I’m not with child, but I’ve been in full gluttonous form since the start of the party season and could use a helper to squeeze into my party clothes.
For someone who’s not a smoker, I have lots of cigarettes offered to me. And at recent holiday parties, I’ve been picking off a few to see what all the fuss is about. I don’t know if it helps the food cravings or does anything to clear the palette, but smoking certainly disguises the taste of bad party hors d’oeuvres.
At the InterContinental, we partied in the presidential suite where hand-rolled Cuban cigars were offered to party guests. Cubans are black-market where I come from, so it was now or never. I didn’t know which end was which. I didn’t know you’re not supposed to inhale. I got exhalation wrong too because I exhaled my dinner, three glasses of wine and the inevitable side order of carrots I don't recall eating. Not pretty.
In the interests of research, I tried smoking one last time at the law firm party of Allen & Overy at KEE Club where they employed a Chinese dwarf in a minitux to hand out cigars the entire night. (Isn’t it a prerequisite to take an ethics course before receiving your law degree?). Girls with cigars certainly look sexy, but isn’t it a bit silly to puff and blow, but not suck? It’s the kind of man-show that this girl doesn’t get.
But by far the most vile thing I’ve put in my mouth is Swedish Snuff (otherwise known as "snus"), a tea bag of lethal tobacco that you stick inside your mouth to give you a high. My Swedish friend Ulf has a permanent hole in his upper gum that’s been molded to hold such a packet. That said, it’s a great alternative for the serious addict who doesn't want to leave the restaurant for a fix. I stuck one in my mouth after our Sichuan meal and was bouncing off the walls two minutes later.