Welcome, gentle readers, to the industrious city of Hong Kong! Where logic, reason and money are the order of the day! But, good friends, all is not as it seems. Questions are arising, questions to which no ordinary man could possibly have the answer. In this time of crisis, the city calls out for a savior – a man who might stem the growing tide of conundrums – a man able to answer the unanswerable! But what man could answer such a call? Prepare yourselves for THE ELUCIDATOR, shedding light where there is none!
Dear Mr. Elucidator, why do we squash our animals?
A fitting question for the Elucidator! It is, after all, a question many ducks have asked as they are squashed flat and hung up to dry. “Why do they do this to us? And how?” Well, thanks to the Elucidator’s topsecret sources, all shall be revealed. According to Tang Lap-woon of Wo Hing Preserved Meat Dealers in Sheung Wan, “It definitely has more flavor and is tastier than the live animal. Once we had a man who walked in and bought 15 preserved ducks at once, all for himself.”
But how do you carry out this slightly nefarious scheme? It’s quite simple, duck-pressers of tomorrow. Butcher, pluck, gut and bone the duck. Preserve in salt for a day, then lay it flat and press down firmly with both hands to flatten it. Use a thin bamboo stick to skewer the duck, and dry for two to three days in a well-ventilated area. Then cut it into chunks, steam or boil for twenty minutes and serve with rice. Remove the head and wings to make soup. An impossible question, answered with ease by the Elucidator!
Dear Mr. Elucidator, I spend loads of cash on perfume, but don’t have much sex. Why?
Truly, a valid question for the Elucidator! Or rather, a question involving numbers, so it’s better suited to his crack squad of Elucidinterns. Hong Kong imported US$1,076 million worth of cosmetics and toiletries in 2004, no small number for a city of our populous population! But according to the Durex Global Sex Survey, we have a little bump and grind only 78 times a year, 25 less than the world average. Which leads the Elucidator to ask a question of his own: what’s all the face paint actually for? Do we really collect every scent in the Calvin Klein perfume range for novelty? Now the Greeks do the dirty 138 times a year, and they spend just $820 million on importing cosmetics. So remember, it’s not all about smelling good. Stop spending all of your time buying perfume, and a little more of it working on the underlying problem. Elucidinterns, disassemble!
Dear Mr. Elucidator, why do some people set themselves on fire to lose weight?
A shocking discovery awaits at the end of the next sentence, dear reader. Read on and be astonished – if you dare! For it’s true - before the Elucidator took up his current mantle, he was briefly known as the Arsonist! (It was a bad time and he was going through a lot of stuff. He doesn’t have to justify himself to you.) He can therefore answer your problem with the greatest of knowledge. Beauty Clinic Body Zen recently introduced the innocuously named “circu.pro Hot Massage Therapy.” It involves dousing towels in a “secret liquid,” and setting them alight. When they’re on your back.
Yes, apparently this is good for you. Officially, it enhances circulation and removes water from the body if you’re bloated. Unofficially, the Elucidator comments that it seems to be just another of Hong Kong’s crazy weight loss trends, which have ranged from eating charcoal to swallowing tapeworms to good ‘ol fashioned fingers-down-the- throat induced emesis.
In the Sammi Cheng movie "Love on a Diet," Sammi swallowed a tapeworm. Would Rita Wong do the same? “I’d consider the side effects. What if the worm lays eggs in your body, or you get blood problems?” But to her, The Elucidator answers: What if you get third-degree burns all over? The pounds surely slough off when you're too
scorched to eat. Yet another curious query, answered with aplomb by the Elucidator!
Dear Mr. Elucidator, what is the MTR gap and why mind it?
The Elucidator ponders to himself, lost in a bubble of thought. Time and again the nice woman on the MTR PA system has asked him to “mind the gap.” But what is this gap? Why does it need minding? How many innocent rush hour commuters have fallen into the yawning abyss? How many more must follow, before the world will see the need for change? Happily, none, and none. Helen Cheung, a spokeswoman for MTR, says “there are individual cases of passengers stepping into the gap, but in most cases they are not injured or sustain only very minor injuries. Usually, if a passenger steps into the platform gap, they are able to extricate themselves, sometimes with the help of other passengers.” And sometimes, need it be said, with the assistance of the Elucidator!