With so many of Hong Kong’s public personalities getting beaten up nowadays, the government has taken the precaution of issuing a pamphlet on etiquette in lieu of providing actual security. We’ve obtained some excerpts.
During the Beating
• Choose your beating spot wisely: McDonalds if you wish to appear an everyman, Tsui Wah if you want grassroots support, and Legco if you’re after the educated vote.
• Expose your head to as many blows as possible during a beating. Head bandages can be worn to almost any event, are easily accessorized and make for a great photo-op.
• If you happen to have false eyespots on your back, now is the time to use them. Lift your shirt and flail violently. Your attackers may think you are larger than you actually are and flee.
On the Way to the Hospital
• It is untoward to directly ask the medical staff for an extra bump of morphine.
• But do build up a healthy rapport with the staff so that next time they’ll know what you need when you ask for “the usual.”
After Recovery
• Ham it up. This is your chance to look like a hero. If you are Chen Shui-bian, now is a great time to win an election.
• When anyone calls you out on illogical mumbling, just point smugly to your head bandages.