15 Years of Diet Fads

Some time in the last century, “thin” ceased to be the realm of the mealy-mouthed peasant, and became a sign of well-bred restraint. Early 20th century diet supplement included strong laxatives, purgatives, arsenic and strychnine.

In the 21st century, weight-loss is still a hot topic. Self-help sections are hives of neurotic activity, as read-yourself-thins thumb through tomes of contradictory dietary advice: high protein; low carb; low fat; low calorie; high calcium; high fiber; time of meals; vegetarian; all meat; raw food; the list goes on. Local dietician Mimi Sham says, “The problem with fad diets is that, whatever they say, there is some truth in it. But they are not scientific enough. Any diet that says it is a miraculous cure but eliminates most of the major food groups could be dangerous.” To remind us just how silly miracle diets are, we celebrate 15 years of consistently ridiculous diet advice from around the world...

THE DIETS

Cambridge Food for life (Late 80’s)
The Cambridge Diet was the ultimate “miracle cure,” peddled by slick all-round figure-fixer Mark Feather, and his wife and muse, Elain. Its basic premise is that our bodies are unable to properly digest certain food combinations. Thus minimize fat absorption by only eating one food group per meal. Never mix the veggies and carbs.
Strange fact: Other Feather inventions included the Mark II Bust enhancing device, with an ad featuring the line, “The very first time I used Mark II I saw my bust line become rounder and fuller and actually grow three full inches right before my eyes!”
Pros: Uh...hope?
Cons: Labeled outdated and unhealthy by diet pundits. You can end up with vitamin deficiencies.

Herbalife (Late 80’s)

Based on a rainbow of shakes, “cell-activator” pills, and multivitamins, Herbalife was founded in the mid eighties by 24-year-old Mark Hughes. The company mushroomed throughout the nineties, thanks to get-rich-quick pyramid schemes. By 2003, they had over one million distributors in 59 countries.
Strange Fact: By the age of 44, founder Mark Hughes had died of alcohol and antidepressant overdose.
Pros: Eat what you want for dinner
Cons: Watch your bank account shrink with your waistline – until you resort to selling your products. Then watch your friendship circle shrink too.

Beverly Hills (1994)

Completely contradicting the Cambridge Diet, the authors state; “It isn’t what you eat or how much you eat that makes you fat, it is when you eat and what you eat together.” So for ten days, eat only fruit – and nothing else, windy pants. From 11-19, mix in a few carbs. After day 20, protein is allowed.
Strange Fact: Functional food combinations like papaya help to break fat down while watermelon helps to flush fat out of you.
Pro: Rapid initial weight loss
Con: Prepare to feel...weak...and extremely rapid weight loss could be hazardous to your health.

The Caveman Diet (1999)

“Neanderthin: A Caveman’s Guide to Nutrition.” Texan author Ray Audette believes that we are only designed to eat food that has undergone no “technological intervention. Indeed, when his son was teething, he was fed pork-rinds instead of rusks. He says, “If you don’t eat fat, your hunger never goes away. So eat more fat and lose it.”
Strange fact: “The...difference between me and the rest of these books is that of all these authors, I’m the only one that’s not a millionaire,” says Rau Audette.
Pro: eat as much dead flesh and squirrel food as you like.
Con: Watch your arteries clog out of existence

The South Beach Diet (published 2003)

Miami cardiologist, Arthur Agatston founded this diet in 1994. It is based on his dietary recommendations for people suffering from diabetes and heart disease. When he noticed a fortunate side effect was long-term weight-loss, he became a very rich man. The current Hollywood favorite focuses on underlying scientific principles. It works by weaning a fast-food nation off bad carbs and onto wholegrain carbs. Meanwhile, increased fiber in the diet reduces fat, improves blood-health and cholesterol.
Strange fact: Florida’s citrus industry is currently battling against the diet’s restriction of orange juice
Pros: It’s not like you can’t eat, you just have to eat the right things.
Cons: The increased fiber can play merry hell with your digestion system and there could be many a long moment on the toilet.

The Zone (1996)

The Basic principle of this best seller is your daily caloric intake is 40% carbohydrate, 30% protein, and 30% fat, and it’s all in the timing. Breakfast within an hour of waking up, lunch within five, snack in two, dinner within five, and late night snacks before bed.
Strange Fact: Jennifer Aniston and Sandra Bullock are high profile Zone losers.
Pros: Accelerates fat loss
Cons: The carbohydrate intake is insufficient for athletes while ocial animals may find it hard to stick to in restaurants. Get ready to eat composite side-order meals. And anyway, isn’t it a bit of a hassle?

The Moldy Tea Diet

Bleurgh! The dietary equivalent of the hairy armpit, no definitive studies have been made, but Kombucha i.e. moldy tea is said to help with just about everything from wrinkles and Aids to cancer. To make: abandon a festering mix of black tea, sugar, and a pale and flaccid floating cellulose pancake for about a week, until a thick scum develops on the surface. Hey presto, yummy.
Pros: Without a book to peddle or figurehead to feed, Kombucha has no agenda. It just is. People give it away for free on the net.
Cons: The “mushroom” is not a mushroom at all. It’s a scuzzy mix of yeast and bacteria in a bed of cellulose. And mosquitoes might decide to share the party.

Atkins

Hmm. You smell of...what is that? Pickled cabbage? Achieve metabolic advantage with this four-phase high-protein diet that eliminates an essential food group. Too good to be true, gourmets and gourmands alike are free to scoff burgers and steaks to their greasy little heart’s content; secondly weight-loss is fast and dramatic.
Strange fact: Chronically low in fruit and vegetables, Atkinsers’ harried livers eventually go into a state known as ketosis, and develop Atkinsmell – the same scent emitted by Diabetics in “red alert” stage. How attractive.
Pros: Drop a size a week for the first month
Cons: Too many to list. Medics blame the dramatic weight-loss on fluid leaving the body. Other cons include rancid, free radical emitting fat molecules in the bloodstream; constipation; poop-breath; stress on kidneys and bones, and that weird nail polish smell following you around.

EXTREME ALTERNATIVE WEIGHT-LOSS SOLUTIONS:

➔ Enemas
➔ Giving Blood
➔ Amputation
➔ Liposuction
➔ Go into orbit
➔ Organ donation
➔ Sleep in a sauna
➔ Get an extreme haircut
➔ Eat naked in front of a mirror, as pioneered by post-baby Gwyneth Paltrow