Think it’s all fun and games following the latest China-U.S. summit? ATTN: Worldwide Media FROM: U.S. State Department/Xinhua RE: President Hu Jintao’s Stateside Visit MEDIA CONDUCT RULES As you are no doubt aware, China’s President Hu Jintao will be visiting esteemed Microsoft CEO Bill Gates and President George W. Bush during a four-day trip to the United States. The private opening dinner will be held at Gates’ US $98 million mansion in Seattle, Washington. Dinner will consist of smoked guinea fowl salad, fillet of beef or Alaskan halibut and prawns, and rhubarb brown-butter almond cake for dessert. We will provide photographs of the dishes upon request. NOTE: Asking whether the meal is actually worth US $20,000 is a dismissible offense. In the days following the dinner, President Hu will visit the Boeing corporation and various academics before meeting with US President Bush. At that time, Hu will present Bush with a special silk-bound copy of “The Art Of War” by Sun Tzu. NOTE: At no time are you to ask whether there is a secret meaning behind this gift. Nor are you allowed to ask why Hu didn’t give him a copy of “The Da Vinci Code” or “Red China Blues: My Long March From Mao To Wow.” NOTE: At no time during the trip are you permitted to ask about jailed journalists in China, press freedoms, worsening pollution levels, copyright issues, banned Internet sites, Google and Yahoo censorship, the death penalty, Falun Gong, China’s growing wealth divide, the one-child policy, Tiananmen Square, peasant revolts, high-level corruption, stricter regulations for miners, the mistreatment of bears, the Spratly Islands, SARS, bird flu, Iraq, Iran, North Korea, Taiwan, Tibet, the Dalai Lama, the Panchen Lama, Donald Rumsfeld, Chris Patten, Martin Lee, Anson Chan, democracy in Hong Kong, whether President Hu brought a few pirated copies of this summer’s hot films as gifts or why he left China when Beijing is facing a literal sandstorm. Anyone who does so will be immediately dismissed and not allowed to cover the next stateside summit. Besides these topics, Hu is open to all questions, especially when it comes to what he thinks of that rhubarb brown-butter almond cake, which we fully anticipate will be delicious.