HK's Dubious Achievements 2005
Awarding the dumb things we did this year.
The Heavy Metal Ornament for Creative Cooking
Goes to convicted murderer Nancy Kissel, who repeatedly made creamy, pharmaceutically enhanced strawberry milkshakes that left her late husband Robert and friends woozy and doped. When asked what was in the out-of-this-world concoctions, Kissel often replied it was a “secret recipe.”
Robert Kissel Gong for Big Black Cock
Goes to Hong Kong men, who, contrary to widespread belief, don’t need magnifying glasses to see what they’ve got down there. A team of local scientists found the average Hong Kong man’s Mr. Happy measured 8.46cm in its resting state, which compares favorably with men’s penises in many other countries. But don’t get too excited: Italians and Americans are still the biggest, er, dicks around.
Nina Wang Trophy for Being Acquitted
Claim your prize, Jocelyn Rivera Tan. In a case of mistaken identity, financial consultant Benjamin Ford suffered chop wounds to the leg and two severed fingers during an attack following a private party over the Rugby Sevens weekend. It was later revealed that the chopper had been smeared with human feces. After reportedly threatening Ford, 42-year-old Tan was found not guilty of the chopping, but she was convicted of assaulting a volunteer bouncer with a mobile phone and sentenced to community service.
Li Ka-shing Billion-Dollar Philanthropist Award
Step up wherever you are Thin, Long-haired Man. In January, a local man handed out $1,000 notes to passers-by in Mongkok and Yau Ma Tei. Five men eventually handed over to police the $12,000 they collectively received. “Our offcers were told the man dressed tidily and did not look like a street sleeper,” said Chief Inspector Kwok Pak-chung.
Imperial Order of the Brown Nose
Take a bow, Aaron Kwok. The Cantopop star successfully bid $38,888 for a gold-colored 3G mobile phone autographed by Li Ka-shing. No word on whether that included private karaoke duets with the tycoon.
Teddy Wang Award for Unsolved Mysteries
Can someone please come collect the award on behalf of Charitar Kamolnoranath? In October, the 41-year-old Thai woman was found dead, bound, and dressed in expensive designer clothing, lying face-up on top of a ventilation unit in a mechanical room in a Wan Chai government building. Nobody knows how she ended up in a room that can only be entered with government clearance. Well, somebody does, but they’re not talking.
The Complete and Utter Fok You Award
This one is for Hutchison Whampoa managing director Canning Fok, who chuckled while cutting 750 jobs in January. He claimed the move should raise the morale of remaining staff because they would have “better job opportunities.” We wonder if they’ll be raking in as much as Fok, who gets an annual salary of more than US$25 million.
Y2K Award for Services to Popular Mythology
Goes to Hong Kong newspapers for their relentless front-page panic over the following: the red fire ant invasion, swine fever, snail fever, malachite green, Ciguatera poisoning, “flesh-eating flies,” the potential bird-flu pandemic, and killer tomatoes. Okay, maybe not the last one. But if they’re from China be sure to wash them just in case.
Tung Chee-hwa Rosette for Clip-Clopping Quietly Out of the Spotlight
Silent Witness, hobble on up. After an unprecedented winning streak, the city’s greatest racehorse has inexplicably lost his will to win. Ironically, this lack of drive seemed to coincide with jockey Felix Coetzee telling HK Magazine, “He has two more good seasons in him. He’s as good as it gets, the highest-rated turf sprinter in the world.” Anyone know a good horse whisperer?
The HSBC “Let’s Put This Behind Us” faulty $500 Voucher
We can’t decide whether to award this to the makers of the $5.5 million worth of fake jewelry that appeared in a “No Fakes” shop, the 150,000 faux Burberry items, the copy Viagra, or counterfeit Yuan notes. So we’ll let them share the prize: the voucher and a steaming bowl of copycat noodles made from potentially diseased pigs, recycled oil and substandard flour fresh from a Hebei factory.
The Tiananmen Square Gift That Keeps On Giving
This was a no-brainer. It goes to the unnamed Chinese cosmetics company that harvested collagen from the corpses of executed convicts and used it in lip and wrinkle treatments sold in Europe, and exported via Hong Kong. Company agents told Britain’s The Guardian newspaper that the use of skin from condemned prisoners was “traditional” and nothing to “make such a big fuss about.”
The Disneyland Prize for Non-Disclosure
This one’s on its way to the Hong Kong Observatory, which revealed that the name Typhoon Tung Chee-hwa had 218 nominations this year but refused to clarify how many people requested a Typhoon Donald. “I cannot disclose the number of nominations Mr. Tsang had, because it is now a very sensitive matter,” claimed a spokesperson.
The “Would You like Pepper On Your Rice Farmer?” Award
The hands-down winner is the Hong Kong Government, which boasted a record $96.71 billion collected in salaries tax by the Inland Revenue, while doling out a mere $50 a month payrise to foreign domestic workers. Ironically, their minimum monthly salary is still $400 less than it was two years ago.
The Golden Couch Potato
This goes to the estimated 89 percent of Hong Kong viewers who tuned into the Korean soap opera series “Jewel In The Palace” during one week in April. The last episode was watched by more than 3,055,000 people – about half of Hong Kong’s population - causing an estimated three to four percent drop in restaurant business that night. Then there were the contestants who watched all 150 hours in one sitting in a bid to collect a $150,000 prize.
The Longhair T-shirt for Protest Chic
Goes to the perfectly coiffed former chief secretary Anson Chan for standing out from the black-clad crowd in duck-egg blue during the December 4 democracy march. “I just feel there are moments in one’s life when you have to stand up and be counted,” she said.
The Space Mountain Man Award for Ineffective Protesting
Spin your Spidey web, Matt Pearce. Fly over in your Superman cape. Or better yet, gallop down the straight. Pearce did all three this year in his attempts to highlight social injustices. But his bids to respectively climb Queen’s Theater in Central, hand out $50 bills to Park n’ Shop cashiers and gallop 100 meters along the Sha Tin Racecourse accomplished little other than generating small amounts of press and giggles. Since he’s been subsequently bound over, it looks like Pearce has gone the way of Disneyland protester Quentin Man, who shouted his grievances from Space Mountain.
Wait Till You Taste Our Milk Powder Dessert Special Trophy
This one goes out to three triad-controlled nightclubs in Mongkok, where undercover police discovered ketamine and ecstasy were being sold from dim-sum trolleys. Patrons familiar with the service would shout out their orders. Police raids resulted in 16 arrests and the seizure of $55,000 worth of narcotics. No word on the quality of the char siu bau.
Golden Razorblade for Entrepreneurial Thinking Outside the Coffin Box
To Islands District councilor Lam Kit-sing for his innovative proposal to set up a “suicide theme park” in Cheung Chau. In recent years, the island has been made infamous by a large number of suicides including 25 charcoal burning deaths at the Bela Vista Villa. “A dirty spot yesterday will be an attraction tomorrow,” said Mr. Lam, whose plan included a “haunted house,” a “ghost town” and a “charcoal burning museum.”
The 24K Fool’s Gold Trophy
Scams are never far away from this city, whether it was the multiple “spiritual blessing” con perpetuated on gullible local women, or sophisticated poker fixes that fleeced male office workers. Yet it’s the classic “you dropped $10” trick that outwitted one slow-thinking 43 year old mainlander in Central. He went down to collect and two thieves believed to be from South America made off with his briefcase containing $100,000.