Taxicab Confessions
In terms of personality, taxi drivers in Hong Kong run the gambit. There are some nice, some mean, and a lot who are completely insane. I’d like to take this time to categorize the types of taxi drivers I’ve encountered on our fair island.
Ah, Hong Kong. The smell of fresh air in the mornings, 7-11s with all the Red Bull you can drink, and most of all, the taxis. For $18 you can go just about anywhere, with anywhere being defined as places you would walk to if you weren’t so goddamn lazy.
Now, in terms of personality, taxi drivers in Hong Kong run the gambit. There are some nice, some mean, and a lot who are completely insane. It’s a really terrible job when you think about it (12-hour days, hours in traffic, circling a small island again and again and again and again) so you can’t really judge anyone. But since I’m a judgmental American, I do. So I’d like to take this time to categorize the types of taxi drivers I’ve encountered on our fair island:
The Businessman
The businessman is the standard taxicab driver. No bull, all business. He takes you from point A to point B and never says a word. Generally this is nice but there’s always one strange moment when you indicate your destination and he just zooms off. “Where is he going? Did I pronounce the word right?” you wonder, worriedly. No sweat kemosabe, the businessman will get you there.
The Talky-Talk
The talky-talk is the anti- businessman: animated, silly, asks you lots of questions in excellent English all while claiming his English is terrible. I don’t know if it’s just me but by far the question I get most from the Talky-Talk is “you like Chinese girls or Western girls?” My answer, always: half-half.
The Nice Guy
For some wonderful reason, I’ve met a number of Nice Guy Taxi Guys. They call you “sir;” they drop you off exactly where you want to be; they say “please” and “sorry” and they smile and you get exact change. If I was this kind of guy instead of a high-functioning alcoholic with friends who are mid-high functioning alcoholics I’d probably be much more successful in life and write for Time Out. That was a deliberate dig at HK Mag until they pay me more money.
The Speed Demon
Confession: I love the Speed Demon. Belt in, shut up, and hope for the best. Long ago, the Speed Demon has decided that every yellow light is a personal challenge and that the Peak has invisible marshmallow railings you’ll bounce off of so you can take those perilous turns at 80 km/hour.
The Cheat
Thankfully, The Cheat is few and far between, but you do come across this fellow from time to time. New Hongkongers, take note! Classic moves from the cheat include
• “Mistakenly” giving you a few dollars less change
• Rounding up to the nearest 5 or 10 dollars if it’s a long ride
• When you tell him to stop, he keeps going for while until the meter goes up (I HATE this)
Do not confront the cheat unless you want a dopey smile or someone angrily giving you the change you’re entitled to. And that brings me along to…
The Angry Guy
The crème de la crème. Swearing at you in Canto, giving you the finger as he drives off, angrily thrusting money at you, Hong Kong truly wouldn’t be the same without him.
For space reasons, I’d like to give apologies to: The Talks Way Too Loudly on the Phone Guy; The Too Old Guy; The Guy with 1,000 Cell-Phones; The Girl (rarely sighted); The Sorry-I-Don’t-Know-I’m-Kowloon-Taxi Guy; and The Guy Who Knows Two Swear Words in English And Repeats Constantly Guy.