Holiday Halitosis

Well I penned three columns last week before the holidays, so I have yet to experience any hot mess since then. Instead, here are some tips for everyone to add to your new rituals and routines for the New Year.

As Nightlife, I have noticed a little problem from more than half of the people I talk to during those intimate moments. No, not pillow talk—I’m no man ho. I’m referring to those situations at clubs where people bellow in my face while the deafening boom boom beats blare at us from the subwoofers.

The problem that has come to my attention is: halitosis. Chronic bad breath that makes me want to scream: “BPSTFU. No really. Shutchomauth!” And walk away. But with social etiquette demanding, I don’t. I grin and bear the wafting infernal fumes emanating from your mouth.

Now please don’t be embarrassed. I’ve observed that this particular predicament is really plaguing more than 50 percent of the people I converse with during the night—mostly those who are no longer in their twenties, (when your body can still handle all the shit it ingests). It’s only inevitable that one suffers from halitosis if one leads a nocturnal lifestyle. When the people that do not party have already brushed their teeth and gone to bed, the party people have yet to thoroughly clean their oral cavity, nor halt any form of consumption. And so the naturally occurring bacterial populations in our mouths party with us all night long, thriving on the remnants of decomposing food deposits.

To make matters worse, we are still drinking wine and cocktails with sweet liqueurs, fruit juices or syrups throughout the night, and most will be smoking. Tsk tsk. Alcohol and smoking both dry the oral tissues, and decreased moisture in the mouth limits the washing and buffering effect of saliva, our bodies’ own natural mouthwash. That sweet oral nectar contains compounds that kill bacteria and buffer their waste products, the main culprits for creating bad breath. There are the VSCs (volatile sulfur compounds) and other fascinating waste byproducts such as Cadaverine (the grim stench of dead bodies), Isovaleric acid (the rank tang of sweaty feet), Putrescine (the foul compound produced by decaying meat) and Skatole (smells like shit). Hand over mouth and smelling your breath now, bitches?

Gum, mints and mouthwashes do not cure halitosis because they don’t eradicate the source of bad breath, the sulfur-containing compounds of the bacteria populating the rear of your tongue and between your teeth. Remove the bacterial coating on your tongue twice daily with very well designed and effective German and Japanese tongue scrapers available at Log-On. Or use a spoon if you’re cheap.