It’s Too Cold

After months of protesting, I’m about-facing and jumping straight on the bandwagon. It’s too cold in Hong Kong. I don’t like it. And nobody else does except furry dogs and stupid people that think black sweaters are actually slimming. So I’m done. I’m done mocking girls in fur boots, done with telling everyone, “in Boston you’d murder for this weather,” done with popping Panadol Flu like my security guard pops Chicken McNuggets. I’m hiring a heat shaman to do a heat dance to Nelly’s “Hot in Here” while simultaneously promoting a second Hungry Ghost Festival for the warming fires.

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Published: 4:00pm, 10 Feb 2011Updated: 2:39pm, 19 Oct 2016

After months of protesting, I’m about-facing and jumping straight on the bandwagon. It’s too cold in Hong Kong. I don’t like it. And nobody else does except furry dogs and stupid people that think black sweaters are actually slimming.

So I’m done. I’m done mocking girls in fur boots, done with telling everyone, “in Boston you’d murder for this weather,” done with popping Panadol Flu like my security guard pops Chicken McNuggets. I’m hiring a heat shaman to do a heat dance to Nelly’s “Hot in Here” while simultaneously promoting a second Hungry Ghost Festival for the warming fires. When people say “Go to hell,” I think, “Hmm, maybe.” And if you feel like sending me Christian hate mail about that joke, send a picture of a stone and we’ll call it a day. If you didn’t get that, I’d suggest you spend more time reading the Gospel of John and less time critiquing shivering HK Magazine staff. I’m getting off track here.
OK, just looked at the HK Observatory website. It’s supposed to be cold this weekend again. Damn it to hell! Oops, I mean, fuck!

Now from an editorial perspective, I might get screwed here and you’ll be reading this in shorts holding a piña colada, wondering why there is a dumb picture of me circa 2008 on this column. But more likely you’ll be coffeeing up in that uncomfortable middle-phase where it’s too cold for a shirt and too warm for a sweater and you feel like Goldilocks without the third bed. If you feel like Goldilocks for any other reason, I invite you to email your explanation to my managing editor at [email protected]. He deals with the crazies.

Here is a short list of things to do until it gets warmer:

• Watch a movie. Specifically, watch “Inception” again. It’s really good. But remember, if people tell you that it’s really deep and profound, they’re morons.
• Add new friends on Facebook. You might get lucky and find a Prince or the artist formerly known as Prince now known again as Prince.
• Respond to any and all Craigslist casual encounters.
• Wear a hat. But a cool hat like a Wisconsin Cheese-Head. Go Packers!
• Buy some shoes. Honestly, you don’t have enough.
• Continually plan a BBQ but then realize it’s too cold and nobody wants to go to a BBQ and you have no friends and hate yourself.
• Breathe hot air whenever you talk to people to warm them up and cause them to think you’re a medieval demon.
• Warm yourself up by doing vigorous cardiovascular exercise. This includes pushups or sex. But that’s it. Only those two.
• Eat some warm soup. Or pour it in your shoes to keep your feet toasty all day long.
• Buy some long underwear. Ladies, this will also work to utterly repulse men so you can keep those stalkers you found on Craigslist casual encounters at bay.
• Get an even smaller apartment so it feels warmer. I’m now living in a converted bathroom.
• Go buy yourself some shoes. Come on, you deserve it.