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Failed Columns
Here are some columns that, at one point or another, I wanted to write. In some cases, the idea was terrible; in other cases, it was really terrible. Here they are...
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Here are some columns that, at one point or another, I wanted to write. In some cases, the idea was terrible; in other cases, it was really terrible. Here they are:
- A column about visiting the Wan Chai Computer Center with a three-paragraph aside on the many smells you encounter there.
- A “how to pick up Hong Kong girls” column complete with the best clubs, restaurants, and bars to meet chicks. Unfortunately the column suffered from a small but significant flaw: I don’t know anything at all about picking up girls.
- A column on the craziest taxi cab driver I’ve ever met. He tried to make us hire him as a personal chauffer for a week, then tried to sell us eco-friendly cutlery for a company he was CEO of, then tried to make us rent his taxi to drive ourselves around. Did I mention the taxi ride was only 90 seconds and he was giggling to himself the entire time?
- A “The Sober Man” column where I don’t drink but go out and record what happens. I actually did this and started to write the article before realizing it was the most boring thing I’ve ever read. I mean, besides for Time Out Magazine.
- A comedic “Fuck You” column against one writer of Time Out Magazine in my continual effort to start a completely unnecessary war between various Hong Kong lifestyle publications. Did I mention that Lifestyle Asia sucks?
- A serious “Fuck You” column against a Group that did not like one of my jokes about them. My plan was to publish their stupid email, make more mean jokes, wait until they banned me from their establishments, and then sue them for anti-discrimination purposes. Unfortunately, this column was rejected by the editors. WTF?
- A column about how not to get press from HK Magazine. This paradoxically turned out to be too obvious to be a column but too complex for the people who try to get coverage. In case you’re one of those people, here are some helpful tips: a) DON’T tell us “you are required to cover my [terrible brand launch],” b) DON’T misspell basic English words, e.g. “wut” or “troo.” c) DON’T send emails with subject lines like: “Interested in an outstanding article? A German Magician traveling the world for the last two years in now in Hong Kong! Dan Berlin MAGIC entertainment.” *
- A column about spending a full 24 hours in the 24 hour club Dusk til Dawn. I want to write this column but I don’t want to do the, uh, research.
- A just-questions column composed entirely of questions. I think this has a lot of potential but it’s super annoying to read. It is? Really? Are you sure? Why would that be annoying? You wouldn’t want to read this? Why are you punching me in the face?
- A “Sex and the City”-type column centered on the datingfoibles of my friends, like when one dated an “accountant” who turned out to be a stripper. Awesome, right?! Unfortunately I couldn’t publish it since friends get angry about these sorts of things. Plus that stripper was crazy. She might have killed me.
- A column about crazy girls. This was during my “sad misogynist” period. Kind of like Picasso’s “Blue Period” minus the talent and positive creative output.
- A column on how the number of douchebags in a club increases exponentially between 11:30pm and 12:30am. The problem was that the math just gets very complex when ∞
∑ [X²]
X = douchebag - A column about the 43rd most popular website in Hong Kong. I honestly can’t write anything more about this.
*There’s your coverage Dan Berlin! Make us proud.
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