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Christmas is the time for cocktail parties, champagne, and small conversation. Unfortunately, this means that you will often find yourself in highly boring situations. Here’s what to do:

Drink lots of alcohol. This is the go-to move for basically everyone at the party.


When a waiter comes with appetizers, eat ALL of the appetizers. Then glare at the waiter disgustedly and request more.


Instead of just shaking hands with people, go for a full-on body hug. 


Instead of just shaking hands with people, go for the butterfly kiss.


Instead of just shaking hands with people, scratch their palm. Then wink and loudly exclaim, “I just scratched your palm!”


Ask for a glass of hot water. When it arrives return it for being lukewarm. Then complain about how few appetizers this party has.


Don’t stop shaking someone’s hand when you meet them.


If you’re a guy, invite other guys to the bathroom with you. If girls stare at you strangely, tell them that it’s not for anything weird, just so you guys can do some coke.


Ask people if you can guess their HK ID number. When you guess wrong, ask them to prove it. If they’re dumb enough to give you their card, conspicuously take a picture of it on your iPhone. 


Exclaim loudly that you can do a one-armed pushup. Then lie on the ground with your hand above your head and don’t move at all.


When you see a couple kissing, ask the person next to you, “Have you seen my girlfriend? She was just over there and—OH MY GOD NOOOO!”


Instead of just shaking hands, kow tow to the person you meet.


Offer super specific compliments. Instead of you have nice eyes, say nice eyeballs. Instead of very smart say I guesstimate your IQ is in the 125-130 range.


Continually ask the DJ to play House of Pain songs.


Jump around! Jump around! Jump up jump up and get down!


Whenever anybody starts talking to you, hold your breath until they stop talking. Puff out your cheeks so they know you’re serious.


Learn how to throw your voice and play Marco, Polo with yourself.


Take out your Marco Polo card and slyly tell girls that you’re a Gold Member and occasionally get upgraded. (True story: my friend tried to use this move to pick up a bunch of flight attendants. It did not work.)


Take the food tray from the waiter and offer people food. When they take it, mutter “Fat pig,” scoff, and walk away.


Instead of just shaking hands, ask if you can lick the person’s eyeball. (True story: When I was in high school, a girl once asked if she could lick my eyeball because it was “very sexy.” So I said OK because well I don’t know why but I said OK. So then she licked my eyeball and it felt exactly like a tongue rubbing across my eyeball. It was not sexy. We didn’t date for much longer after that.)


Call the bartender Sam and demand he play “As Time Goes By” or a hip-hop song from the 1990s.


Jump around! Jump around! Jump up jump up and get down!


Instead of just shaking hands, clasp the person’s fingers in yours and bang your palms together while chanting “Hand sex! Hand sex!”


Repeat everything the person says to you in a low sultry whisper.


If you see someone wearing a beautiful dress, ask if they’ll trade outfits with you. Then start stripping before they respond.


When you’re introduced to a new person, start snorting and stamping your feet like a bull. Then abruptly stop and explain how bullfighting in Spain is inhumane.


If they’re playing classical music, loudly yell “Aw yeah that’s my jam!” and jump around! Jump around! 


Leave and go straight to Wan Chai.

Yalun Tu is a columnist for HK Magazine. You can reach him at yalun.tu@gmail.com or @yaluntu on Twitter.


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Christmas is the time for cocktail parties, champagne, and small conversation. Unfortunately, this means that you will often find yourself in highly boring situations. Here’s what to do...
