MASSIVE SPOILER ALERT: THIS COLUMN IS ALL ABOUT SKYFALL AND EVERYTHING IN THE MOVIE THAT GOES DOWN, SO DON’T READ IF YOU WANT THE MOVIE TO BE A SURPRISE.
It’s been long enough that everyone who’s going to has seen “Skyfall”—the newest installment of the gritty, Bourne-esque, Daniel Craig-starring Bond. And oh, what a film “Skyfall” is: Bond spans the globe in Scotland, Shanghai, a totally fake Macau, and an underground WWII London bunker. People love this film and make sure to proclaim it all over the blogosphere (hate that word) and social media tweets, tags and afternoon musings. I watched “Skyfall” and thought it was pretty cool, but deep down—I knew—the movie kinda sorta sucks. Why? BECAUSE IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. Let me explain.
There’s Crazy and Then There’s Stupid
Hi there, I’m crazy Javier Bardem. I live on a made-up island off Macau reachable only by luxury yacht, with no food, but plenty of henchmen and a bunch of computers through which I can control the world by manipulating global markets and causing gas leaks in secure government buildings. My plan to discredit M and kill her literally is this:
- Steal a list of undercover agents to release on YouTube (so far so good) showing a huge intelligence leak.
- Set up a plan for James Bond to find me. This will involve my henchmen shooting at Bond 1,000 times but them being such experts, they’ll only hit him once in the shoulder.
- I must make sure that my henchman uses a special bullet that can conveniently be traced to some assassin in Shanghai. I could just send an email but that seems too easy.
- Hope that said assassin is killed, leaving behind a poker chip that is only redeemable in Fake Macau.
- Get some Asian girl to ask Bond some stupid question about fear, then fight some other henchman and show up on my island.
- Get captured but then escape.
- Dress up like a policeman and walk into a government office.
- Shoot M.
Wait a second, why don’t I skip all the other steps and just do 8? After all, it is a lucky number (I learned that in Fake Macau).
James Bond Sucks at Saving People