’Twas the night after New Year’s, and through HK Mag, Not a package was untapped, the sacks and the bags. The cookies, the cakes and the sugary cheer, The free wine gift sets and artisanal beers. The delicious desserts, the fine sample platters, And eating all the food was all that did matter. Editors, writers, and interns alike, Lay comatose in their chairs, having lost all their fights. With the pounds and the stuffing and the great Christmas gifts, And the “I’ll exercise in the new year, no buts, ands or ifs,” We ate and were stuffed then we ate so much more, And we chewed and we swallowed and expanded our core. And our belts got real tight and our shirts showed our belly, We continued to consume: no exercise, just telly. The commitments would be made as they are every year, And broken as quickly—that much is quite clear. So dear reader, if you fit with our sorry sack, Here’s some advice to get you back on track. Tip 1: Go on a diet and make it a crash one, If you’re going to fail then you should have some fun. Try nothing but juices or nothing but meats, No carbs after 12, wheatgrass juice’ll be your treat. Atkins, the Zone, and the Dukan diet, Will make you feel great and look great—what a riot! Tip 2: Use that gym, and use it so well, Try the treadmill, bike and weight machines, hell. Try Pilates and yoga, MMA and Muay Thai, Try Boxing and Zumba, Jazzercise and you’ll die. ‘Cause if you’re anything like us, you’ve sat on your behind, Then ran to the gym and thought, “This will be fine.” Tip 3: It’s a good one—a two-parter, in fact, 3A is be skinny and 3B be not fat. “If I don’t eat, it’s horrible!” a friend said to me, “I lose all my muscle and get real skinny.” “Gee, that sucks,” I said back, “If I don’t eat, you know, I lose all my muscle but my midsection grows.” Tip 4 is to love yourself for just who you are, A chubby big kid who nobody loves, or on par. Our culture I guess might be obsessed with weight, And the unhealthy self-image which in minds percolate. I’m sympathetic to that, and it’s important that we Do our best to be happy, and good, and healthy. And post-cake that I’ve eaten while writing this poem, I must agree with you— now I’ll go home alone. Yalun Tu is a columnist for HK Magazine. You can reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org or @yaluntu on Twitter.