Recently I’ve noticed a disturbing trend of not enough people praising me for my life. This is very upsetting.
I don’t get it. I’m OK looking, I make an OK salary, I travel an OK amount, I write for a popular magazine, I’m in OK shape, and I’m OK at talking to girls. Everyone should be supremely interested in me. But when I tell people what I’m up to I normally get a “cool,” “fun,” or (the worst) “OK.” Get with the program, people! If I say, “I am writing a book of short stories,” you say, “OH MY GOD YOUR LIFE IS SOOO AMAZING I WANT TO BE YOU I’M SO JEALOUS!” Then I demure and pretend it’s not a big deal when it’s actually a huge deal to me. That’s the process; we just need to execute it.
I guess it’s getting harder in this increasingly self-conscious world. The options for me to convey how awesome I am are both myriad and paralyzing. For instance, let’s say I write a column for a magazine (this is true). And I want you to praise me for it (also true). Should I:
Brag: I write a column for HK Magazine, the most popular English language mag in HK. My column is very popular.
Humble-brag: It’s weird getting all these emails from people who read my popular column, right?
Anti-brag: I write some things sometime. Just stuff. [Get friend to walk up and say WOW I LOVED YOUR COLUMN DO YOU KNOW HE WRITES A COLUMN? Smile and give an awkward nod.]
Considerations for each type: Bragging makes one seem like a douchebag. Humble-bragging makes one seem like a huge douchebag. Anti-brags are zero-sum: if it works you seem humble and amazing, but if discovered you engineered an anti-brag you become King of the Douchebags with a literal douchebag for a scepter. Damn it. What should one do?
“Be confident in yourself” is one answer, but it’s 2013 and who the hell is confident? Well, I am, actually. You should tell me how impressed you are with my confidence. You can either be a:
Sycophant: You’re sooo confident. It’s sexy. (Note: only say the last sentence if you’re a girl or man so handsome it doesn’t matter.)
Subtle-Sycophant: How do you find time to sleep, with all those cool things you’re doing?
Anti-sycophant: That sounds cool. I’m also doing some great things blah blah blah blah.